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"You can pretend to be serious; but you can't pretend to be witty."
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"As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread."
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Personal Development
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."
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Personal Development
"Unless you stop him. Perhaps next we meet.""You'll be just as annoying?" I guessed.He fixed my with those warm brown eyes. "Or perhaps you could bring me up to speed on those modern courtship rituals."I sat there stunned until he gave me a glimpse of a smile-just enough to let me know he was teasing. Then he disappeared."Oh, very funny!" I yelled."
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Personal Development
"Laughter is carbonated holiness."
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Personal Development
"Well, I said, "you obviously have some power. You chased off those hooligans with rotten fruit. Perhaps you have banana-kinesis? Or you can control garbage? I once knew a Roman goddess, Cloacina, who presided over the city's sewer system. Perhaps you're related? Meg pouted. I got the impression I might have said something wrong, though I couldn't imagine what."
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Personal Development
"Alas poor Yorick! I knew him Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest of most excellent fancy."
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Personal Development
"The Fool held his breath. On long nights on the hard flagstones he had dreamed of women like her. Although, if he really thought about it, not much like her; they were better endowed around the chest, their noses weren't so red and pointed, and their hair tended to flow more. But the Fool's libido was bright enough to tell the difference between the impossible and the conceivably attainable, and hurriedly cut in some filter circuits."
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Personal Development
"D'yer see it? This finger, laddie, could send ye to meet yer Maker!Sgt. Deisenburger stared at the black and purple nail a few inches from his face. As an offensive weapon it rated quite highly, especially if it was ever used in the preparation of food."
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Personal Development
"Showing off is more ridiculous in instances where the thing that is being shown off was bought on credit."
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Personal Development
"I didn't understand how. But the toilets had responded to me. I had become one with the plumbing..."
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"The secret of a good marriage is forgiving your partner for marrying you in the first place."
Marriage
"The best way to turn a woman's head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile."
Woman
"Why is it better to love than to be loved? It is surer."
Love
"I would gladly admit women are superior to men if only they would stop trying to be the same as us."
Man
"You can pretend to be serious; but you can't pretend to be witty."
Humor
"Our wisdom comes from our experience, and our experience comes from our foolishness."
Wisdom
"The little I know I owe to my ignorance."
Ignorance
"A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other man to take her off his hands."
Man
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