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Quotes by Entertainer
"She is the mother I never had, she is the sister everybody would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves. I don't know a better person."
152
"But then, so far as I know, I am the only performer who ever pledged his assistants to secrecy, honor and allegiance under a notarial oath."
80
"I've stopped caring about skeptics, but if they libel or defame me they will end up in court."
73
"Incongruity, they say, is one of the main ingredients of humor. Maybe it's because everybody can feel superior to me. I honestly don't know."
71
"I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism. And that's how I operate my life."
55
"Prince decided to move from Minneapolis to Toronto. Jimmy Jam told me that they were living there now."
54
"I wasn't anything special as a father. But I loved them and they knew it."
53
"Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots."
51
"I'll tell you what's helped me my entire life. I look at baseball as a game. It's something where people can go out, enjoy and have fun. Nothing more."
51
"When I was a bit older I had all of the George Carlin records, all of the Steve Martin records, all of the Cheech and Chong records and all of the Richard Pryor records."
50
"I have given up trying to be happy. It is no use an leads to nothing."
50
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
50
"I certainly would have regretted not getting into wrestling. It's been very lucrative for me and I've been fortunate to get into it and make money and not do anything stupid where I invested in something that collapsed."
50
"I have a microphone on one ankle and an ankle bracelet on the other, so I'm well balanced today."
49
"The lawlessness of frontier life in America has been pictured as a remarkable phenomenon. In reality, it was the natural consequence of indiscriminate mixing of volatile substances."
48
"Children are so used to seeing puppets that when they see a real ventriloquist they don't understand it."
47
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
47
"My wife says I'm making a noise like a stranded whale. I think I have a major snoring problem."
Wife,
45
"I knew the profanity used up and down my street would not go over the air... So I trained myself to say 'Holy Cow' instead."
45
"Money is in some respects life's fire: it is a very excellent servant, but a terrible master."
45
"Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years."
44
"It was a big story and yesterday's soup. Who cares?"
43
"There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher."
42
"I would never want to hurt anyone by writing a book."
42
"Every student of comedy should see Dame Edna at least twice."
42
"It took 35 years, but the time was well spent and I think I have established a good stake in the future."
41
"Would it be better if I'd married a Negro woman? Would they treat my child any better? Erect fewer barriers?"
41
"I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes."
41
"Sex is the most beautiful thing that can take place between a happily married man and his secretary."
39
"I have never seen a bad television program, because I refuse to. God gave me a mind, and a wrist that turns things off."
39
"The press is like the peculiar uncle you keep in the attic - just one of those unfortunate things."
38
"I've never had a drink of alcohol or any drug in my life."
38
"A clown's makeup and character, that's all he has to sell. He loves and believes in that character."
38
"Because of my tremendous respect for Bob Barker and for the show's high standards of professionalism I consider this a tremendous honor that few announcers have ever been treated to. Both Rod's and Johnny's shoes are huge; I can't think about filling them."
37
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