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Quotes by Entertainer
"But then, so far as I know, I am the only performer who ever pledged his assistants to secrecy, honor and allegiance under a notarial oath."
209
"She is the mother I never had, she is the sister everybody would want. She is the friend that everybody deserves. I don't know a better person."
209
"I've stopped caring about skeptics, but if they libel or defame me they will end up in court."
165
"When we had been married five years, we had six children. What, in God's name, was wrong with me?"
102
"Incongruity, they say, is one of the main ingredients of humor. Maybe it's because everybody can feel superior to me. I honestly don't know."
98
"I have given up trying to be happy. It is no use an leads to nothing."
91
"I certainly would have regretted not getting into wrestling. It's been very lucrative for me and I've been fortunate to get into it and make money and not do anything stupid where I invested in something that collapsed."
89
"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."
87
"As an announcer, 'The Price Is Right' is the mother of all shows not only because of its legacy, but because it is by far the most demanding game show."
85
"Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years."
85
"When I was a bit older I had all of the George Carlin records, all of the Steve Martin records, all of the Cheech and Chong records and all of the Richard Pryor records."
84
"I have a microphone on one ankle and an ankle bracelet on the other, so I'm well balanced today."
83
"Prince decided to move from Minneapolis to Toronto. Jimmy Jam told me that they were living there now."
83
"The one thing you don't want is that stale sound when you've done a line so much you can't find a fresh approach to it. Drop it."
82
"I'll tell you what's helped me my entire life. I look at baseball as a game. It's something where people can go out, enjoy and have fun. Nothing more."
77
"My wife says I'm making a noise like a stranded whale. I think I have a major snoring problem."
Wife,
76
"I wasn't anything special as a father. But I loved them and they knew it."
76
"Every student of comedy should see Dame Edna at least twice."
76
"There are seven winners of the Monaco Grand Prix on the starting line today, and four of them are Michael Schumacher."
75
"I was raised to believe that excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism. And that's how I operate my life."
75
"I knew the profanity used up and down my street would not go over the air... So I trained myself to say 'Holy Cow' instead."
75
"The lawlessness of frontier life in America has been pictured as a remarkable phenomenon. In reality, it was the natural consequence of indiscriminate mixing of volatile substances."
75
"Excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism."
75
"Children are so used to seeing puppets that when they see a real ventriloquist they don't understand it."
74
"This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him."
74
"Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots."
74
"But with The Dark Crystal, instead of puppetry we're trying to go toward a sense of realism - toward a reality of creatures that are actually alive and we're mixing up puppetry and all kinds of other techniques."
74
"I find celebrity status difficult to bear when I am in the company of my mother."
73
"It was a big story and yesterday's soup. Who cares?"
73
"Would it be better if I'd married a Negro woman? Would they treat my child any better? Erect fewer barriers?"
73
"I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes."
73
"The press is like the peculiar uncle you keep in the attic - just one of those unfortunate things."
72
"Money is in some respects life's fire: it is a very excellent servant, but a terrible master."
72
"You see the images that the public is demanding. Why more reality-based TV? You'd think that after the first Survivor it would have gone away, but it hasn't. The public demands it because they get all caught up in the personal stories, and want to see more and more."
71
"Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down."
70
"During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage."
69
"I suppose in London they all drink from the same watering holes."
68
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