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Quotes by Comedian
"To make the argument that the media has a left- or right-wing, or a liberal or a conservative bias, is like asking if the problem with Al-Qaeda is do they use too much oil in their hummus."
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"An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match."
53
"Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine."
53
"The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed."
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"Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you."
53
"I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping."
53
"When I was doing Bean more than I've done him in the last few years, I did strange things - like appearing on chat shows in character as Mr. Bean."
53
"Taste every fruit of every tree in the garden at least once. It is an insult to creation not to experience it fully. Temperance is wickedness."
53
"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
53
"I was born in very sorry circumstances."
53
"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible."
53
"I have a new joke today. Martha Stewart's on suicide watch. They had to unplug all of her ovens."
53
"I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear."
53
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."
53
"Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness."
53
"That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, 'Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down.'"
53
"We have a choice - we can both think and feel, using our heads and our hearts."
53
"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together."
53
"The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board."
53
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
53
"I believe it is important for comedians to know who came before them."
53
"Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?"
53
"Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it."
53
"MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic."
53
"Yes, they allowed us to play around a lot because, like we said, the director's such a good comedy director."
53
"The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout."
53
"Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one."
53
"There are two phases to a movie. First you shoot the movie, and then you make the movie. Generally, post-production is longer than filming."
53
"I don't know how this company got the name National Shakespeare Company, because it was literally like retards employing retards."
53
"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."
53
"I try to do something the audience might not have seen before. Like if I'm gonna kiss a girl I wanna kiss her like a girl has never been kissed. Like maybe I would kick her legs out from under her and catch her right before she hits the ground and then kiss her."
53
"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."
53
"Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years."
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