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Quotes by Comedian
"That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50."
43
"The only thing I have never done is a Broadway play. I'm not sure I have the discipline necessary to do a Broadway play. I know it holds a fascination for certain actors."
43
"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world."
43
"Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased."
43
"An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
43
"My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy."
43
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples."
43
"I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks."
43
"Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason."
43
"Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
43
"First of all, I'm not the kind of guy that likes to rehash the show and so forth and so on."
42
"I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present."
42
"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."
42
"Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list."
42
"Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order."
42
"I may find something that looks interesting and then go on to alter the recipe by adding spices, things of my own. I also look for time-saving recipes, dishes that can be prepared ahead and stored."
42
"That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!"
42
"I mean I can do it when I'm very relaxed, and with good friends, then I think I can be amusing."
42
"Jews don't care about ancient rivalries. We worry about humidity in Miami."
42
"You're freaked out that you're going to be having a child, and once you're looking after your daughter, it's the most beautiful thing in the world."
42
"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
42
"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant."
42
"I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians."
42
"No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds."
42
"Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them."
42
"Often times I'm confronted with a quote that I don't remember saying. So, on one hand it's very flattering, it is just so surreal."
42
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time."
42
"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."
42
"I was born in very sorry circumstances."
42
"If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor."
42
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