Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 20/64

top of page

Quotes by Comedian

"If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush."

"If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush."

Dawn French, British Comedian

5

"It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes."

"It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

5

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Drink, Drinking, Reading

5

"My mom is two people to me. She's my mom number one, and then she's this lady most comedians know as being a legendary owner of a nightclub that's responsible for starting a lot of heavy careers."

"My mom is two people to me. She's my mom number one, and then she's this lady most comedians know as being a legendary owner of a nightclub that's responsible for starting a lot of heavy careers."

Pauly Shore, American Comedian

Mom, People, Being, Careers

5

"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence."

"Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

American, Americans, Countries, Fantasy

5

"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."

"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

5

"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

"As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it."

Buddy Hackett, American Comedian

5

"I'm not a standup, but I play one on TV."

"I'm not a standup, but I play one on TV."

Ana Gasteyer, American Comedian

4

"I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope."

"I am probably the most selfish man you will ever meet in your life. No one gets the satisfaction or the joy that I get out of seeing kids realize there is hope."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

Life, Hope, Joy, Kids

4

"Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?"

"Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?"

George Gobel, American Comedian

Feelings, Feeling, World

4

"When turkeys mate they think of swans."

"When turkeys mate they think of swans."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

4

"Communism is like one big phone company."

"Communism is like one big phone company."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Communism, Company

4

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Time, Example, France, Iraq

4

"I'm not on all the time. I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker."

"I'm not on all the time. I like to have fun and be funny, but I'm much more of a thinker."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

4

"Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything."

"Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

4

"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."

"Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

Family, Life, Time, Day

4

"Politics is just show business for ugly people."

"Politics is just show business for ugly people."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Business, Politics, People, Ugly

4

"I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force."

"I was in the Air Force and was a boom operator (in-flight refueling). I got my comedy start in the Air Force."

Sinbad, American Comedian

4

"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy."

"It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

4

"I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage."

"I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage."

Patton Oswalt, American Comedian

Being, Comedians, Comedy

4

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn' t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."

"One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn' t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

Faith, Life, Optimism

4

"It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour."

"It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

Sex, Jokes, Teenage, University

4

"If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck."

"If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

4

"James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was."

"James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was."

Will Ferrell, American Comedian

Funny, End, Film, Waiting

4

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more."

"You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

Moon, Office, Party, Wrong

4

"Death can really absorb a person. Lik most people, I would find it pleasant not to have to go, but you just accept that it's more or less inevitable."

"Death can really absorb a person. Lik most people, I would find it pleasant not to have to go, but you just accept that it's more or less inevitable."

Graham Chapman, British Comedian

4

"Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave."

"Love in all eight tones and all five semitones of the word's full octave."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

4

"I think NASCAR's coming to Canada now so it'll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid."

"I think NASCAR's coming to Canada now so it'll take on a whole new relevance. Be afraid."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

4

"As we saw in the Queen's Speech, anti-social behaviour - a phenomenon that I believe to be a genuine worry that is also being fed by a lot of scare stories - is the political theme of the moment."

"As we saw in the Queen's Speech, anti-social behaviour - a phenomenon that I believe to be a genuine worry that is also being fed by a lot of scare stories - is the political theme of the moment."

Kamal Ahmed, American Comedian

Being, Queen, Speech, Worry

4

"I was a class clown."

"I was a class clown."

Robert Klein, American Comedian

4

"I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?"

"I give so much pleasure to so many people. Why can I not get some pleasure for myself?"

John Belushi, American Comedian

People, Pleasure

4

"Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine."

"Just being a Negro doesn't qualify you to understand the race situation any more than being sick makes you an expert on medicine."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

Being, Medicine, Race

4

"Turn up your radio. Watch lots of telly and eat loads of choc. Feel guilty. Stay up all night. Learn everything in six hours that has taken you two years to compile. That's how I did it."

"Turn up your radio. Watch lots of telly and eat loads of choc. Feel guilty. Stay up all night. Learn everything in six hours that has taken you two years to compile. That's how I did it."

Dawn French, British Comedian

4

"Yeah, we shot ourselves in the foot right out of the gate. The guy who ran it at first misled pretty much everybody about how much capital we had. He said we had enough to go three years without making money, and we had enough to go three weeks."

"Yeah, we shot ourselves in the foot right out of the gate. The guy who ran it at first misled pretty much everybody about how much capital we had. He said we had enough to go three years without making money, and we had enough to go three weeks."

Al Franken, American Comedian

Money, First, Pretty, Right

4

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

4

"Chick Corea was a great influence on me, musically, as I was growing up."

"Chick Corea was a great influence on me, musically, as I was growing up."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

Growing up, Influence

4

"One can only guess the amount of magic mushrooms a sane person would have to consume to believe that a frisbee constituted a genuine threat to roughly 3,000 police officers."

"One can only guess the amount of magic mushrooms a sane person would have to consume to believe that a frisbee constituted a genuine threat to roughly 3,000 police officers."

Mark Thomas, British Comedian

4

"Gags die, humor doesn't."

"Gags die, humor doesn't."

Jack Benny, American Comedian

4

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

4

"I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."

"I don't think human beings learn anything without desperation. Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Desperation, Learning

4

"I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such."

"I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such."

Dane Cook, American Comedian

People, Act, Psychology

4

"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

George Burns, American Comedian

Honesty, Acting

4

"People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius."

"People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

Genius, People, Famous, Hate

4

"If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it."

"If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Passion, Wishing

4

"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them."

"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

4

"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."

"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

4

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

People, Being, Christmas, Spirit

4

"The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us."

"The old problems - love, money, security, status, health, etc. - are still here to plague us or please us."

Shelley Berman, American Comedian

Health, Love, Money, Old

4

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

Today, Walking, Want

4

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

4

bottom of page