"I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party."

"The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off."

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

"There have been times in my life that I've had a ton of vices, and my demons have run amok for years and years and years."

"But I work harder now because I have so much more exposure. And actually the harder you work as a writer, the better you get at it. It's like anything else. It's a muscle you have to exercise. I write more now than ever."

"The next time you have a thought... let it go."

"I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability."

"You wanna get the truth out of me, get me hammered."

"I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow."

"You know, my first album, some of those jokes I'd done for twelve years because I couldn't throw 'em out."

"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."

"People are saying that I'm an alcoholic, and that's not true, because I only drink when I work, and I'm a workaholic."

"I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling."

"Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane."

"Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin."