Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 2/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common."

"It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

American, Americans, English

18

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

"There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Future, Past, Present

18

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made."

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Business, Wisdom, Children, Mistakes

17

"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."

"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Art, Comedy, Laughter, Man

17

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

Eric Morecambe, British Comedian

17

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Comedy, Open, Tragedy

17

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

Sports, Now, Play

16

"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."

"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Time, God, Guilt, Now

16

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

16

"The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow."

"The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow."

Gracie Allen, American Comedian

President, Today, Tomorrow

16

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

16

"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."

"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."

George Burns, American Comedian

Happiness, Woman

16

"I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart."

"I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Heart, Books, Fact

15

"They're desperately searching for meaning in their lives but they will not crack the Bible open."

"They're desperately searching for meaning in their lives but they will not crack the Bible open."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Bible, Meaning, Open, Will

15

"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."

"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

15

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

15

"I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."

"I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."

Laura Kightlinger, American Comedian

Drink, Drinking, Now

15

"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious."

"It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

15

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Man, Old, Woman

15

"First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle."

"First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle."

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

First, Liberals, Racism

15

"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."

"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

15

"It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy."

"It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy."

Tony Hancock, British Comedian

15

"In actual life I am a grumpy old bag."

"In actual life I am a grumpy old bag."

Dawn French, British Comedian

15

"The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid."

"The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Teenager, Teenagers, Want, World

15

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

14

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Father, Dad, Mother, Wife, Day

14

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

14

"Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them."

"Life opens up opportunities to you, and you either take them or you stay afraid of taking them."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

14

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'"

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'"

Les Dawson, English Comedian

Men, Mother, Help

14

"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."

"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."

Ron White, American Comedian

Diet, Beer, Wrong, Years

14

"Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children."

"Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Father, Being, Children, Nothing

14

"I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out."

"I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Men, Mother, Father, Man

14

"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."

"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

14

"I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material."

"I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

14

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

14

"I always dreamed of being Maria in The Sound of Music."

"I always dreamed of being Maria in The Sound of Music."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Music, Being, Sound

14

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

14

"It's all about humanity, humility, and integrity."

"It's all about humanity, humility, and integrity."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

Humanity, Humility, Integrity

14

"Not too many people are - were as good as Bob Hope. George Burns was great at thinking, you know, on the spot. Steve Allen was marvelous, and so was George Burns. But Bob may be the king of them all, you know."

"Not too many people are - were as good as Bob Hope. George Burns was great at thinking, you know, on the spot. Steve Allen was marvelous, and so was George Burns. But Bob may be the king of them all, you know."

Rich Little, Canadian Comedian

People, Hope, May, Thinking

14

"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."

"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Animals, Children

13

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

13

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."

"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Saying, Thinking

13

"He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention."

"He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention."

John Leguizamo, Colombian Comedian

College, Intention

13

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."

Paula Poundstone, American Comedian

13

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

13

"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."

"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

Truth, Emotion, Meaning, Word

13

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

George Carlin, American Comedian

Crime, Fight, Fire, Freedom

13

"To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me."

"To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

People, Comedy, Occupation, Worry

13

"Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."

"Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Men, Committee, Nothing

13

"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds."

"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

13

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