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Quotes by Comedian
"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
40
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
40
"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."
40
"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
39
"I think people feel starved of nice, glamorous entertainment. They want to see costumes and gaiety and a singer; old-fashioned entertainment - it won't die easily."
39
"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."
38
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
38
"I was familiar with that and 'Rio Bravo.' 'Rio Bravo' was what John Carpenter did, that brilliant move of taking a western and turning it into an urban flick. And from there you got, you know, all the cop genre movies of the time."
37
"Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid."
36
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
36
"I like doing films and I wish that I could do more but I still have to audition. I don't get offered starring roles in movies even though I've written and starred in a movie."
36
"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."
36
"I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material."
36
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
35
"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said."
34
"A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know."
34
"My influences were Peter Sellers and the great British character actors."
34
"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."
34
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
33
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""
33
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
33
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
32
"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."
32
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time."
32
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
32
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."
32
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
32
"I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds."
31
"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."
31
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