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Quotes by Comedian
"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."
81
"A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know."
81
"My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian."
81
"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."
80
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
80
"I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material."
79
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
79
"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."
77
"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."
77
"I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk."
75
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
74
"But generally speaking, I tend to be quiet and introspective."
73
"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
72
"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."
72
"Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger."
72
"Get that right, then- if you get the quality right, then the marketability or whatever; your ability to sell videos or your ability to earn money or whatever, will follow naturally. But try to be creatively lead rather than market lead. And that's important to me."
72
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
71
"I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun."
71
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
71
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
70
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
70
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""
70
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
69
"So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date."
69
"Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."
69
"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said."
69
"My influences were Peter Sellers and the great British character actors."
69
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."
69
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
69
"Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable."
69
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
68
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