Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 2/66

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Quotes by Comedian

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

29

"I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart."

"I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Heart, Books, Fact

28

"I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds."

"I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds."

Dave Chappelle, American Comedian

28

"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."

"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

28

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."

"I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

28

"My influences were Peter Sellers and the great British character actors."

"My influences were Peter Sellers and the great British character actors."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

Character, Actors

28

"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."

"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

28

"It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common."

"It only takes a room of Americans for the English and Australians to realise how much we have in common."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

American, Americans, English

28

"The ultimate censorship is the flick of the dial."

"The ultimate censorship is the flick of the dial."

Tommy Smothers, American Comedian

28

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."

"People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

27

"We're leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth... or couldn't get better jobs in the first place."

"We're leaving the House to people who either were born with a silver spoon in their mouth... or couldn't get better jobs in the first place."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

People, First, Jobs

27

"I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material."

"I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

27

"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds."

"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

27

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Principle, Principles

27

"The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see."

"The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

26

"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."

"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."

Ron White, American Comedian

Diet, Beer, Wrong, Years

26

"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."

"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

State, states, United

26

"I always dreamed of being Maria in The Sound of Music."

"I always dreamed of being Maria in The Sound of Music."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Music, Being, Sound

26

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

26

"Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends."

"Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

26

"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."

"Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Time, God, Guilt, Now

25

"I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful."

"I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Life, Alcohol, Drugs

25

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Time, Boss, Man

25

"During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk."

"During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Men, Talk, Today

24

"If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'"

"If you travel to the States... they have a lot of different words than like what we use. For instance: they say 'elevator', we say 'lift'; they say 'drapes', we say 'curtains'; they say 'president', we say 'seriously deranged git.'"

Alexei Sayle, British Comedian

Travel, states, Words

24

"I try not to have too much of an ego. I'll do anything."

"I try not to have too much of an ego. I'll do anything."

Rob Schneider, American Comedian

24

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

George Carlin, American Comedian

24

"Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."

"Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Men, Committee, Nothing

24

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."

Eric Morecambe, British Comedian

24

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""

"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

24

"I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law."

"I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Time, Famous, Law

24

"The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid."

"The thing that bums me out about 'The Real World' is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Teenager, Teenagers, Want, World

24

"My own parents were touchy-feely."

"My own parents were touchy-feely."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

24

"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Jack Benny, American Comedian

23

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."

"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

23

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

23

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

God, People, Church, Day

23

"First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle."

"First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle."

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

First, Liberals, Racism

23

"The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow."

"The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow."

Gracie Allen, American Comedian

President, Today, Tomorrow

23

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

23

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

Day, Hell, Today, Walking

23

"Not too many people are - were as good as Bob Hope. George Burns was great at thinking, you know, on the spot. Steve Allen was marvelous, and so was George Burns. But Bob may be the king of them all, you know."

"Not too many people are - were as good as Bob Hope. George Burns was great at thinking, you know, on the spot. Steve Allen was marvelous, and so was George Burns. But Bob may be the king of them all, you know."

Rich Little, Canadian Comedian

People, Hope, May, Thinking

23

"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."

"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Animals, Children

22

"Cricket is basically baseball on valium."

"Cricket is basically baseball on valium."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Baseball, Cricket

22

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'"

"I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'"

Les Dawson, English Comedian

Men, Mother, Help

22

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."

Paula Poundstone, American Comedian

22

"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."

"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

22

"Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children."

"Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Time, Children, Job

22

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"

George Carlin, American Comedian

Crime, Fight, Fire, Freedom

22

"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said."

"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said."

Kevin Nealon, American Comedian

22

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