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Quotes by Comedian
"Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger."
95
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
94
"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."
93
"My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian."
92
"I'm really happy that I was raised Catholic because it's given me years of material."
92
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
91
"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."
90
"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."
90
"Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea."
90
"Entrepreneurs with disabilities are overwhelmingly successful."
89
"But generally speaking, I tend to be quiet and introspective."
89
"I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
89
"I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk."
88
"So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date."
88
"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."
88
"I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun."
88
"There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: twins."
87
"Get that right, then- if you get the quality right, then the marketability or whatever; your ability to sell videos or your ability to earn money or whatever, will follow naturally. But try to be creatively lead rather than market lead. And that's important to me."
87
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
87
"A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know."
86
"Everybody wants to save the Earth, nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes."
85
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
85
"There is so much we can learn from TV. It's a window on the world."
84
"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
84
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
84
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
83
"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."
83
"To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior.""
83
"There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it."
82
"Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid."
81
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
81
"I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do."
81
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