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"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."
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"When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states."
"Gray Davis can run a dirty campaign better than anyone, but he can't run a state."
"There's usually a rhythm and a melody in my head, and that creates an emotional state."
"But, if you believe we should go around the world overturning regimes to make little United States, I don't agree with that, because I don't think we're capable of doing that."
"On the ground, Pakistan is the most virulently anti-American state on the planet."
"North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?"
"If I knew I couldn't win races, I would have stayed in the States."
"The state is nothing but an instrument of opression of one class by another - no less so in a democratic republic than in a monarchy."
"But ya have to make videos in the States. Usually ours just look too serious. We haven't got it together."
Explore more quotes by Dennis Miller
"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away."
"Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet."
"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."
"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."
"It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity."
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."
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