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"The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens."
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"I did have a big following in the upper New York area. I was at the New York State Fair a few times over the years. I have areas that I say are my areas."
"Yet, in 1850 nearly all the railroads in the United States lay east of the Mississippi River, and all of them, even when they were physically mere extensions of one another, were separately owned and separately managed."
"When the Oakies left Oklahoma and moved to California, it raised the I.Q. of both states."
"In my view, Arafat is the only Palestinian in the world that isn't willing to have an independent Palestinian state."
"Gray Davis can run a dirty campaign better than anyone, but he can't run a state."
"Even if you go to Australia today, it's very much like visiting a state you haven't been to."
Explore more quotes by Dennis Miller
"You know there is a problem with the education system when you realize that out of the 3 R's only one begins with an R."
"President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which."
"Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways."
"It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity."
"Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?"
"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away."
"I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy."
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