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Steven Wright

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

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"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

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Donna Grant

"We cannot measure time. We can only measure changes of life and the universe."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"I wouldn't ask too much of her,' I ventured. 'You can't change the past.''Can't change the past?' he cried incredulously. 'Why of course you can!"

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Life is a bubble in the ocean of time. At the same time, it can hold all the water of the ocean in her heart."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"A broad margin of leisure is as beautiful in a man's life as in a book. Haste makes waste, no less in life than in housekeeping. Keep the time, observe the hours of the universe, not of the cars."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"God had infinite time to give us.... He cut it up into a near succession of new mornings and with each therefore a new idea new inventions and new applications."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Time is the greatest and longest-established spinner of all. ... His factory is a secret place his work noiseless and his hands are mutes."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Eternity is a mere moment, just long enough for a joke."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"The value of time is immeasurable."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Sometimes I feel like if you just watch things, just sit still and let the world exist in front of you - sometimes I swear that just for a second time freezes and the world pauses in its tilt. Just for a second. And if you somehow found a way to live in that second, then you would live forever."

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Personal Development

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Donna Grant

"Worrying about what happened on Monday, or, what might happen on Wednesday, is at the expense of one's Tuesday."

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Steven Wright
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

Now

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Steven Wright
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."

Purpose

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Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

Car

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Steven Wright
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."

Friendship

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Steven Wright
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

Power

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Steven Wright
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

Argument

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Steven Wright
"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

Rest

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Steven Wright
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

Press

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Steven Wright
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

Washington

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Steven Wright
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

Ocean

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