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"Cricket is basically baseball on valium."
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"Baseball has the great advantage over cricket of being sooner ended."
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Personal Development
"You had to pitch in and out. The zone didn't belong to the hitters; it belonged to the pitchers. Today, if you pitch too far inside, the umpire would stop you right there. I don't think it's fair."
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Personal Development
"It was a terrible day for baseball, it was a worse day for Congress."
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Personal Development
"Watching baseball under the lights is like observing dogs indoors, at a pedigree show. In both instances, the environment is too controlled to suit the species."
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Personal Development
"It's not like learning how to hit a curve ball in baseball."
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Personal Development
"I'd like to think a baseball picture is somewhere in my future."
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Personal Development
"I wish there was a bar I could send opposing teams to and get them hammered or something - I could tell my buddies in New York to leave their places open or something. Playing for the Yankees, guys come at you extremely hard. I have to be ready or I'll be embarrassed."
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Personal Development
"I wasn't athletic. I played baseball, but I was terrible."
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Personal Development
"A tall, thin old man waving a scorecard from the corner of his dugout. That's baseball."
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Personal Development
"I won't be happy until we have every boy in America between the ages of six and sixteen wearing a glove and swinging a bat."
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"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus."
God
"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs."
People
"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."
Love
"People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House."
People
"Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason."
People
"Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!""
Nature
"When in doubt, go for the dick joke."
Doubt
"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world."
Change
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Men
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
Family
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