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Steven Wright

"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."

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"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."

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"What is now proved was once only imagined."

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"The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire."

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"The month of January, we were number one. Now, this is something we're proud of, because we recognize we're up against a formidable operation there at CNN."

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"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."

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"Damn the sword! When Virginia wanted a sword, I gave her one. Now she sends me a toy! I require bread!"

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"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

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Steven Wright
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
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"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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Steven Wright
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
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"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
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