Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 12/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."

"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

5

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

5

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

5

"Every person should have their escape route planned. I think everyone has an apocalypse fantasy, what would I do in the event of the end of the world, and we just basically - me and Nick - said what would we do, where would we head?"

"Every person should have their escape route planned. I think everyone has an apocalypse fantasy, what would I do in the event of the end of the world, and we just basically - me and Nick - said what would we do, where would we head?"

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

End, Fantasy, World

5

"I don't really think of myself as an actor."

"I don't really think of myself as an actor."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

5

"If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer."

"If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer."

Lewis Black, American Comedian

People, Islands, Want, World

5

"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."

"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."

George Burns, American Comedian

5

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Belief, Beliefs, Dogs, Immortality, Heaven

5

"Morgan Freeman is so class. He's so cool. He's so scary."

"Morgan Freeman is so class. He's so cool. He's so scary."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

5

"I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler."

"I've always dreamed of growing up to be Amy Poehler."

Amy Poehler, American Comedian

5

"Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics."

"Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics."

Red Skelton, American Comedian

Exercise, Friends, Golf

5

"I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they're very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That's one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game."

"I think people really appreciate clever commercials, as do I. I think they're very entertaining. You just have to wade through all the garbage. That's one of the reasons people watch the Super Bowl. A lot of them watch it to see the commercials and not the actual game."

Kevin Nealon, American Comedian

5

"The funny thing about commercials to me is that many of them now don't even mention the product until the very end. You don't really know what the commercial is all about. They're kind of like little movies, like shorts, and that's why I think they're so entertaining."

"The funny thing about commercials to me is that many of them now don't even mention the product until the very end. You don't really know what the commercial is all about. They're kind of like little movies, like shorts, and that's why I think they're so entertaining."

Kevin Nealon, American Comedian

Funny, Movies, End, Now

5

"I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush."

"I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Thought, Needs, Personality

5

"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."

"Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Home, Children, Parents

5

"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"

"Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?"

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

5

"I often go on a liquid fast a couple of days a week. I never take just water. Instead, I'll have maybe six glasses of vegetable and fruit juices a day."

"I often go on a liquid fast a couple of days a week. I never take just water. Instead, I'll have maybe six glasses of vegetable and fruit juices a day."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

5

"For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason."

"For the greater good, I thought I should be a spiritual leader for people for some reason."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Leader, Thought, People, Reason

5

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes."

Chris Rock, American Comedian

5

"The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen."

"The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen."

Tommy Smothers, American Comedian

People, Ideas, Censorship, Right

5

"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."

"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Architecture, Music, Dancing, Talking

5

"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."

"The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

5

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

"I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own."

Les Dawson, English Comedian

Living, Trouble

5

"It's all been satirized for your protection."

"It's all been satirized for your protection."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

5

"I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games."

"I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

Basketball, Games

5

"Black beauty - he's a dark horse."

"Black beauty - he's a dark horse."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

5

"Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent."

"Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

5

"At my age, the radiation will probably do me good."

"At my age, the radiation will probably do me good."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

5

"Because someone stole Gregory Peck's star on Hollywood Blvd., I have hired a Brink's guard to protect my star!"

"Because someone stole Gregory Peck's star on Hollywood Blvd., I have hired a Brink's guard to protect my star!"

Rip Taylor, American Comedian

5

"The moment that I realized my name was going to be said in the same sentence as children and sex, that's really intense. That's something I knew from that very moment, whatever happens past that point, something's out there in the air that is really bad."

"The moment that I realized my name was going to be said in the same sentence as children and sex, that's really intense. That's something I knew from that very moment, whatever happens past that point, something's out there in the air that is really bad."

Paul Reubens, American Comedian

Sex, Children, Name, Past

5

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison."

"Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

Men, Women, Work, Children

5

"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."

"I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example."

Mick Miller, British Comedian

Men, People, Drugs, Example

5

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."

George Carlin, American Comedian

5

"It's all false pressure; you put the heat on yourself, you get it from the networks and record companies and movie studios. You put more pressure on yourself to make everything that much harder."

"It's all false pressure; you put the heat on yourself, you get it from the networks and record companies and movie studios. You put more pressure on yourself to make everything that much harder."

John Belushi, American Comedian

5

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Sleep, Tomorrow

5

"We had not had time to establish ourselves as a double act before Ernie joined the Merchant Navy. I teamed up with the brother of the late Dave Morris."

"We had not had time to establish ourselves as a double act before Ernie joined the Merchant Navy. I teamed up with the brother of the late Dave Morris."

Eric Morecambe, British Comedian

Time, Brother, Act, Navy

5

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately."

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

5

"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal."

"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

5

"I never told a joke in my life."

"I never told a joke in my life."

Andy Kaufman, American Comedian

5

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Example, Fact, Right, Trying

5

"What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country."

"What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Country, Republican

5

"I learned that you don't have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious as falling all over the place or doing something."

"I learned that you don't have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious as falling all over the place or doing something."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

5

"The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero."

"The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero."

Dawn French, British Comedian

5

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

Wife, Now, Speech

5

"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top."

"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

5

"Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion."

"Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Crime, Illusion, Insult, Ugly

5

"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."

"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

5

"So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it."

"So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

5

"I'm sure some cynical people would point to that as the main reason for doing it for a lot of people."

"I'm sure some cynical people would point to that as the main reason for doing it for a lot of people."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

5

"Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show."

David Brenner, American Comedian

5

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