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Quotes by Comedian
"Marketing is what gets you noticed, and that side of it something - this side of it, if you like, doing interviews - is the side of it that I least enjoy, and yet is 50% of the project."
49
"I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going."
49
"If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked."
49
"You can't reason yourself back into cheerfulness any more than you can reason yourself into an extra six inches in height."
49
"I don't feel I'm even worthy of a normal amount of value."
49
"When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."
49
"It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh."
49
"A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once."
48
"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to."
48
"There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount."
48
"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."
48
"I've never been arrested. I've been stopped, searched and had a gun put to my head by the Chicago cops."
48
"I don't care if people think I am an overactor, as long as they enjoy what I do. People who think that would call Van Gogh an overpainter."
48
"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
48
"I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke."
48
"I tend to stay up late, not because I'm partying but because it's the only time of the day when I'm alone and don't have to be performing."
48
"Workers insist that they are not disgruntled. They are very gruntled."
48
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks."
48
"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."
48
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
48
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