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Humor Quotes
"Charles, mate, you fret too much. I'm a grown man, I am, and I can blood my handle.'Handle your blood?' Bones offered dryly.Ian grinned. 'Exactly."
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"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass."
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"A professional headshot in front of a bookshelf says you're an intellectual. A professional headshot peeking though a bookshelf says you're probably under a restraining order."
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"Have any of you wondered what I did with all the cash Pekka Rollins gave us?""Guns?" asked Jesper."Ships?" queried Inej."Bombs?" suggested Wylan. "Political bribes?" offered Nina. They all looked at Matthias. "This is where you tell us how awful we are," she whispered."
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"Every time I so much as blink you get an erection."
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"You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far."
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"NOOOO!" On the screen, a woman's eyes bugged almost out of her head, and I tried not to scream.Tried not to scream in exasperation, I mean. The serial killer was right in front of her, wide open! Clearly, instead of weeping like a moron, she could be lunging forward and administering a swift uppercut to the chin. Then this entire pointless ordeal would be over with, and I could go home."
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"Does Uncle Bob have anything?""I heard he has an STD.""I mean on the women.""Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs."
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"Come on, 'he meowed to Greystripe.'Let's go home."
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"Maybe your sperm is so mighty, you shoot magic bullets.'His intent expression splintered, and he burst out laughing. Almost as quickly, he sobered again and told her with a completely straight face, 'Of course I do."
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"New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed."
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"She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. "They're anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don't chew."Well, I thought I'd stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I'll swallow them."
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"The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.Dang,' Grandma said. 'Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting."
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"This is a team of gay dudes, isn't it?'What gave it away? The pink shirts, or half our team drooling over you?"
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"I enjoy slaughtering beasts, and I think of my relatives constantly."
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"It felt as if things were literally slipping through my fingers. Things were just streaming away from me. I lost my sense of humor. I'm still looking for that."
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"Congratulations, you have a sense of humor. And to those who didn't: Go stick your head in the mud."
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"And," added Mikey. "she's my sister."The others looked at him for a moment, and broke out laughing."Yeah, yeah," Squirrel scoffed, "and the McGill is my cousin."Now Allie burst out laughing, which made Mikey more annoyed."If the McGill was your cousin," Mikey said, "I can guarantee he'd disown you."
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"For someone named Alice, you're really not all that up on your Wonderland trivia."
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"I have never developed indigestion from eating my words."
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"Rock Hudson wasn't my type. He's a great guy and had a great sense of humor."
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"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life."
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"I love Pizza thicker, when the crust is thinner!"
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"The word of a cat is not to be relied upon."
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"If we're not naked soon, I'm going to lose my fucking mind."
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"If the eyes are the window to the soul, then Edward's in trouble 'cause no one is home."
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"You're asking the cyborg fugitive and the wild animal to be the welcoming committee? That's adorable."
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"I can't help it. I'm just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas.' She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. 'Excuse me,' she said."
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"New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. 'At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife.' Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby."
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"New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship."
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"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."
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"When a man first awakens, it sometimes takes several moments before he starts thinking clearly.''And here I thought it took several years, perhaps a lifetime for the average man's intellect to kick in."
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"He's so ugly. When you walked by him, your pants wrinkle. He made fly balls curve foul."
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"Canada is the only country founded on the relentless pursuit of the rodent."
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"I'm not a traditional politician, and I have a sense of humor. I'll try to soften it and become boring, maybe even very boring, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to."
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"Excellent, there's nothing quite like a blunt object to reinforce proper administration ethics."
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"Well, it's a humor strip, so my first responsibility has always been to entertain the reader... But if, in addition, I can help move readers to thought and judgment about issues that concern me, so much the better."
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"A single doctor, with the body of a Greek god, sat across from me at a candlelit table, and all I could think about was a greasy-fingered motorcycle mechanic.I refrained from smacking my own forehead."
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