"Besides, there's nobody who is going to watch your back better than me. You know that. And that's why I'm going to be there with you, whenever there is, whenever you ask, and as long as I'm able, he said. It's what fathers do.Most father's don't show up with hand grenades and bowie knives.They should be ashamed of themselves, Jake said."

"Ranger is an unusual name,' she managed. 'Is it a nickname?'It's a street name,' Ranger said. 'I was a Ranger in the army.'I heard about them Rangers on TV,' Grandma said. 'I heard they get dogs pregnant.'My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.That's sort of a joke,' I told Grandma. 'Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life.'I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile."

"You gonna take the case?'It's not a case. It's a missing person. Sort of.'You're gonna have a devil of a time finding him if it was aliens,' Grandma said."

"Diesel sucked air. 'You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you.''I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!''Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys."

"If I could just get Broom to cooperate, we could fly, Glo said. Then we wouldn't have to worry about traffic. Harry Potter didn't have to worry about traffic.You relize Harry Potter isn't real, right? Of course, but he could be. I mean, maybe not Harry Potter, but someone like him. Who's to say?"

"The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.Dang,' Grandma said. 'Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting."

"It's not a nice thing to send a penis to a woman. It's disrespectful."

"I failed math twice, never fully grasping probability theory. I mean, first off, who cares if you pick a black ball or a white ball out of the bag? And second, if you're bent over about the color, don't leave it to chance. Look in the damn bag and pick the color you want."

"That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies."

"As Stephanie and Lula were going after the bad guys, Lula was making preparations from the trunk of her Firebird. Stephanie looked inside and stopped breathing for a beat. 'That's a rocket launcher!' 'Yep,' Lula said. 'It's a big boy. I got it at a yard sale in the projects."

"If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!"

"There is no such thing as a good call at 7 AM. It's been my experience that all calls between the hours of 11 PM and 9 AM are disaster calls."

"He [Ranger] peeled my [Stephanie] clothes off and wrangled me into bed. And then suddenly he was inside me. He once told me that time spent with him would ruin me for all other men. When he said it, I thought it was an outrageous threat. I no longer though it outrageous."

"He blew himself up.'Get out! You mean like guts all over the place?'Not all over the place, I said. 'He was pretty well contained, all things considered."

"Calories don't count if they're connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this."

"Now that we know you're not a hundred percent vampire you should stop trying to suck necks,' I said to Ziggy.'I'll try,' Ziggy said, 'but it's a hard habit to break."

"Babe,' Ranger said. 'You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?'I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about.' That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed.Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts,' Ranger said.My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out."

"I always wanted to eat with a Negro, Grandma said.Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney-assed old white woman, Lula said. 'So I guess this works out good."

"She'll be back,' Ranger said. 'But not tonight.'[Stephanie] 'How'd you get her to leave?''Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home.'I could feel the heat rush to my face.Ranger gave me the wolf smile. 'I lied about it being tonight,' he said."

"Maybe it's just not the right time for us to be married. I don't want to be a bounty hunter for the rest of my life, but I certainly don't want to be a housewife right now. And I really don't want to be married to someone who gives me ultimatums.And maybe Joe needs to examine what he wants from a wife. He was raised in a traditional Italian household with a stay-at-home mother and domineering father. If he wants a wife who will fit into that mold, I'm not for him. I might be a stay-at-home mother someday, but I'll always be trying to fly off the garage roof. That's just who I am."

"Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning."

"I can't help it. I'm just a big gasbag. I still got leftover barbeque gas.' She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long far. 'Excuse me,' she said."

"Personally, I'm a lazy kind of guy, and leaving the door open on the mystical saves me work. I don't have to stress my brain trying to explain the unexplainable. It's magic. End of discussion."

"Maybe it was me,' Grandma said.'Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?"

"He wears jeans, untucked shirts, and a Glock 19, and he has a big shaggy dog named Bob."

"That's disappointing,' Nick said. 'I was hoping to see you in action again. It's kind of sexy in a violent, perverted sort of way.''Gosh, knowing that makes my day complete.''I thought you'd want me to be open about my feelings now that we're married."

"Babe!"

"Cripes, I can't keep up on this political correct shit. I don't even know what to call myself. One minute I'm black. Then I'm African American. Then I'm a person of color. Who the hell makes these rules up, anyhow?"

"Ranger locked eyes with me. 'Please,' he said.Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren't used to 'please.' I wasn't used to it either. But I liked it. Okay,' I said. 'Be careful. He's insane."

"Cooking wasn't so bad, I thought. In fact, it was a lot like sex. Sometimes it didn't seem like such a good idea in the beginning, but then after you got into it."

"I've noticed you only speak ghetto half of the time.' - Stephanie'I'm multi-lingual,' Rancher said.I followed him to the door, feeling jealous, wishing I knew a second language."

"I wasn't a fabulous cook. I didn't have a boyfriend, much less a husband. And I wasn't a big financial success. I could live with all those failings as long as I knew that once in a while I looked really hot."

"I got out of the elevator and confronted Mr. Wexler. 'Killing is wrong. 'We kill chickens, Mr. Wexler said. 'We kill cows. We kill trees. So big deal, we kill some drug dealers.It was hard to argue with that kind of logic because I like cows and chickens and trees much better than drug dealers."

"So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?''Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I'm afraid the owner will try to get it back."

"I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. 'Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, 'I yelled. 'I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enoughmy hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!"

"Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff?' - Aunt Edna."

"Everyone wants a Christmas tree. If you had a Christmas tree Santa would bring you stuff! Like hair curlers and slut shoes."

"He squinted at me. 'What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?"

"Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake."

"You took your clothes off?''You didn't notice?''No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you.''If you look under the covers, you'll know me better.''I don't want to know you better!''That's a big fib,' Diesel said."

"Money isn't everything.''The only people who say that are people who have enough money to pay the rent."

"They were actually sitting at a table, like two old friends, not like the hunterand the hunted. And it wasn't especially awkward. They were comfortable together,despite the fact that she'd hit him with a bus. Maybe his scheme would work."

"Bob had a dog buscuit stuck to his head. 'How does he always get food stuck to him?' I asked Morelli. 'I don't know,' Morelli said. 'It's a Bob mystery. I think stuff falls out of his mouth and he rolls in it. I'm not sure.'-Morelli And Stephanie."

"You're a marshmallow. Soft and sweet and when you get heated up you go all gooey and delicious."

"I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?"

"He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us.'I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me,' Ranger said.[Stephanie] 'She wants to see you naked.''I wish you hadn't told me that, babe.''Everyone I know wants to see you naked.''And you?''Never crossed my mind.' I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying."

"Lots of times I'm not crazy about the writing, but I keep moving ahead and somehow it gets better. The important thing is to move forward."

"Sure, he was attracted to her, but women always had to go beyond that.Women [had] nesting fantasies. It wasn't long before they wereredecorating your apartment and criticizing your choice of mustard."

"In spite of all the sparring that went on between us, I sort of liked Morelli. Good judgment told me to stand clear of him, but then I've never been a slave to good judgment."

"Either get out of bed or else take your clothes off,' he said. 'I'm not in the mood to compromise."