"Why, that dog is practically a Phi Beta Kappa. She can sit up and beg, and she can give her paw -- I don't say she will but she can."

"There's life for you. Spend the best years of your life studying penmanship and rhetoric and syntax and Beowulf and George Eliot, and then somebody steals your pencil."

"There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words."

"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."

"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires."

"If I didn't care for fun and such,I'd probably amount to much.But I shall stay the way I am,Because I do not give a damn."

"She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B."

"Ur be the things I am wiser to know:Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.Four be the things I'd been better without:Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.Three be the things I shall never attain:Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.Three be the things I shall have till I die:Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye."

"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."

"I like to have a martini,Two at the very most.After three I'm under the table,after four I'm under my host."

"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them."

"Where unwilling dies the rose Buds the new another year."

"Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,a medley of extemporanea,And love is a thing that can never go wrong,and I am Marie of Romania."

"I find her anecdotes more efficacious than sheep-counting, rain on a tin roof, or alanol tablets.... you will find me and Morpheus, off in a corner, necking."

"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."

"You can't teach an old dogma new tricks."

"They sicken of the calm that know the storm."

"A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

"I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid."

"Women and elephants never forget."

"But I give you my word, in the entire book there is nothing that cannot be said aloud in mixed company. And there is, also, nothing that makes you a bit the wiser. I wonder--oh, what will you think of me--if those two statements do not verge upon the synonymous."

"There was never a place for her in the ranks of the terrible slow army of the cautious. She ran ahead where there were no paths."

"Then she told herself to stop her nonsense. If you looked for things to make you feel hurt and wretched and unnecessary, you were certain to find them, more easily each time, so easily, soon, that you did not even realize you had gone out searching."

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"If all the girls attending [the Yale prom] were laid end to end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

"MenThey hail you as their morning starBecause you are the way you are.If you return the sentiment,They'll try to make you different;And once they have you, safe and sound,They want to change you all around.Your moods and ways they put a curse on;They'd make of you another person.They cannot let you go your gait;They influence and educate.They'd alter all that they admired.They make me sick, they make me tired."

"This level reach of blue is not my sea; Here are sweet waters, pretty in the sun,Whose quiet ripples meet obediently A marked and measured line, one after one. This is no sea of mine. that humbly laves Untroubled sands, spread glittering and warm. I have a need of wilder, crueler waves; They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm. So let a love beat over me again, Loosing its million desperate breakers wide; Sudden and terrible to rise and wane; Roaring the heavens apart; a reckless tide That casts upon the heart, as it recedes, Splinters and spars and dripping, salty weeds."

"They sicken of calm who know the storm."

"They sicken of the calm who know the storm."

"God, the bitter misery that reading works into this world! Everybody knows that - everbody who IS everybody. All the best minds have been off reading for years. Look at the swing La Rouchefoucauld took at it. He said that if nobody had ever learned to read, very few people would be in love. Good for you, La Rouchefoucauld; nice going, boy. I wish I'd never learned to read."

"Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both."

"Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young."

"Poisons pain you Rivers are damp Acid stains you And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful Nooses give Gas smells awful You might as well live."

"And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word."

"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."

"I shall stay the way I am Because I do not give a damn."

"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."

"Hold your pen and spare your voice."

"It cost me never a stab nor squirm To tread by chance upon a worm. 'Aha my little dear' I say 'Your clan will pay me back one day.'"

"If I had a shiny gun I could have a world of fun Speeding bullets through the brains Of the folks that cause me pains :)"

"If wild my breast and sore my pride,I bask in dreams of suicide,If cool my heart and high my headI think 'How lucky are the dead."

"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life."

"London is satisfied, Paris is resigned, but New York is always hopeful. Always it believes that something good is about to come off, and it must hurry to meet it."

"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."

"By the time you swear you're his,Shivering and sighing.And he vows his passion is,Infinite, undying.Lady make note of this --One of you is lying."

"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."

"Where's the man that could ease a heart like a satin gown?"

"My love runs by like a day in June, And he makes no friends of sorrows. He'll tread his galloping rigadoon In the pathway of the morrows. He'll live his days where the sunbeams start, Nor could storm or wind uproot him. My own dear love, he is all my heart, -- And I wish somebody'd shoot him."

"And if my heart be scarred and burned,The safer, I, for all I learned."

"Work is the province of cattle."