top of page
.png){kind=small}
"You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass."
Standard
Customized
Exlpore more Humor quotes
"I've accepted the fact I have mental illness but when my imaginary friends start calling me crazy that's where I draw the line."
"Crap, are you thinking what I'm thinking?""I'm thinking we have about fifteen vampires and no blood," Claire said. "Is that it?""No, I was thinking we're out of chips. Of course that's what I was thinking."
"Never stay up on the barren heights of cleverness, but come down into the green valleys of silliness."
"Name the greatest of all inventors: Accident."
Explore more quotes by Craig Ferguson
"Ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything. 1) Does this need to be said 2) 'Does this need to be said by me? 3) Does this need to be said by me now?"
"I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane."
"I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it"
"The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted."
"Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing."
"That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil."
"I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves."
"School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic - I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit."
"For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say 'Good morning, sir' or 'madam, ' depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require."
bottom of page