"Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough."

"If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word."

"The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number."

"Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes."

"What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death."

"It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin."

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance."

"Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically."

"In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid."

"The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates."

"There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary."

"The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers."

"I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care."

"Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep."

"The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs."

"What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers."

"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face."

"We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires."

"To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent."

"The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition."

"Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!"

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."

"In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps."

"I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems."

"The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice."

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

"Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions."

"The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery."

"The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins."

"If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'"

"Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling."

"I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War."

"I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford."

"The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire."

"Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro."

"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"

"People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them."

"Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice."

"To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life."

"The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television."

"If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry."

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid."

"The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting."

"It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money."

"Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print."

"We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail."

"We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin."

"The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat."