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"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life."
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"If it weren't for the last minute nothing would get done."
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Personal Development
"When you love someone, you don't care that she ate your sandwich. You only hope she found it delicious."
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Personal Development
"Some kleptomaniacs do not steal things only; they also, while some only, steal lovers."
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Personal Development
"You know, Aunt Tasha makes jokes about how youE1d actually be a better queen than the others, except sometimes . . . I donE1t think sheE1s joking."
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Personal Development
"A tie is what you get after ice cubes have wrestled with hot water."
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Personal Development
"Zombies are far better than religious people, because they do not discriminate in killing."
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Personal Development
"Your party kicked so much ass!Even though you suck so much! It's like, instead of blood, your heart pumps liquid suck! But thanks for the beer!"
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Personal Development
"Some people make spectacles of themselves with a couple of glasses."
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Personal Development
"I've stopped drinking, but only while I'm asleep."
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Personal Development
"Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions."
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"I shudder at the thought of men....I'm due to fall in love again."
Love
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
Humor
"The two most beautiful words in the English language are 'cheque enclosed'."
Humor
"You think You're frightening me with Your hell, don't You? You think Your hell is worse than mine."
Emotion
"Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient champagne."
Contentment
"She realizes she doesn't know as much as God but feels she knows as much as God knew when he was her age."
Philosophy
"She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go."
Affection
"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."
Communication
"Yet, as only New Yorkers know, if you can get through the twilight, you'll live through the night."
Survival
"It costs me never a stab nor squirm / To tread by chance upon a worm. / Aha, my little dear, / I say, Your clan will pay me back one day."
Poetry
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