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"Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it."
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"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."
President
"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."
Job
"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."
People
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
Family
"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."
Men
"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."
Baby
"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."
Goal
"If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck."
Home
"The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him."
Quality
"I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie."
Daughter
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"Let no body lie you that there is a future other than a moment you are able to walk and talk."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Only in the present is your mind free to do what it does best - solve problems."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Learn to appreciate every moment of your life, stop thinking of the future too much, you have a choice to make a difference in your life at any time you wish."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Tomorrow' is the thing that's always coming but never arrives. 'Today' is the thing that's already here and never leaves. And because that's the case, I would much prefer to invest in today than sit around waiting for an arrival that's not arriving."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Nothing is to be rated higher than the value of the day."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The only moment we need in our lives, is the moment right now as we don't know what tomorrow may bring or the destruction of your world."
Author Name
Personal Development
"What we are at this very moment is determined by the sum total of all our experiences till this moment. And the step that you take at this moment, will determine your future. Past and future both require a functional mind to exist. Only the present prevails independent of mind " independent of life."
Author Name
Personal Development
"You are perfect, not tomorrow, not in the future, but today."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We never live, we are always in the expectation of living."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Lets try to put last year's problems behind us and make what's bright now, for last year is not now."
Author Name
Personal Development
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