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"People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school."
People
"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."
President
"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."
Job
"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."
People
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
Family
"I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family."
Family
"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."
Men
"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."
Baby
"Nothing in life prepares you to be famous."
Life
"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."
Goal
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"Will a loving God send a man to hell? The answer from Jesus and His teachings of the Bible is, clearly, “Yes!” He does not send man willingly, but man condemns himself to eternal hell because . . .he refuses God's way of salvation and the hope of eternal life with Him."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The condition you're in at this moment is the product of your previous thoughts, to change your condition, change your thoughts."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Instead of clinging to the only Lifeboat that can save, we have tossed overboard biblical truths in the name of [compromise], living on the edge of life, like the man who rides the parameter of a hurricane, daring it to sweep him away."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There's one thing you can say for air pollution, you get utterly amazing sunrises."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There is always a path to our target, the problem is to discover it!"
Author Name
Personal Development
"Things past redress are now with me past care."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Some parts of life are lived in the shadows where the only sunlight you feel is the light you pray for."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Hate is hostility."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Money isn't the solution to your problems. It only lets you carry your unhappiness around in style."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Collect memories, they are your precious property."
Author Name
Personal Development
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