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"People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school."
People
"I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together."
President
"The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house."
Job
"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."
People
"If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'"
Family
"I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family."
Family
"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."
Men
"Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door."
Baby
"Nothing in life prepares you to be famous."
Life
"You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand."
Goal
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"God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Religions do a useful thing: they narrow God to the limits of man. Philosophy replies by doing a necessary thing: it elevates man to the plane of God."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I know nothing of God or the Devil. I have never seen a vision nor learned a secret that would damn or save my soul."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There's too much tendency to attribute to God the evils that man does of his own free will."
Author Name
Personal Development
"It is very lonely sometimes, trying to play God."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Conscience is God present in man."
Author Name
Personal Development
"God has given you one face, and you make yourself another."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I gave in, and admitted that God was God."
Author Name
Personal Development
"It is quite true, as some poets said, that the God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humor, creating him a reasonable being, yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture, and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him."
Author Name
Personal Development
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