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Quotes by Comedian
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
55
"We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins."
55
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
55
"Shirley Temple had charisma as a child. But it cleared up as an adult."
55
"I'm supposed to be the director of a television company, but I've only ever seen that company as a vehicle for making the kind of programmes we wanted to make, getting our ideas on the screen."
55
"When you get just a complete sense of blackness or void ahead of you, that somehow the future looks an impossible place to be, and the direction you are going seems to have no purpose, there is this word despair which is a very awful thing to feel."
55
"I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle."
Gay,
55
"You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious."
54
"They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses."
Day,
54
"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours."
54
"In 1958, we decided to go to Australia. We were there for six months, and all the shows went well."
54
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
54
"The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon."
54
"Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive."
54
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
54
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
54
"And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it."
54
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
54
"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."
54
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
54
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
54
"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink."
54
"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."
54
"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"
54
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
54
"In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job."
Job,
54
"Chick Corea was a great influence on me, musically, as I was growing up."
53
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
53
"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck."
53
"The cliches are that it's the most generic Starsky and Hutch plot you can find."
53
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