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Quotes by Comedian
"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
66
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
66
"I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast."
66
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."
66
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
66
"I'm supposed to be the director of a television company, but I've only ever seen that company as a vehicle for making the kind of programmes we wanted to make, getting our ideas on the screen."
66
"Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient."
65
"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."
65
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there."
65
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."
65
"In 1958, we decided to go to Australia. We were there for six months, and all the shows went well."
65
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
65
"The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon."
65
"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."
Cats,
65
"It's a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption."
65
"Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason."
65
"Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'"
Ugly,
65
"This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now."
65
"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."
65
"What I always say is that we're the illegitimate children of Andy Kaufman and Jerry Lewis."
65
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
65
"If you're in the White House, it's your house, and you can invite whatever friend you want."
65
"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."
65
"I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle."
Gay,
65
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window."
65
"Chick Corea was a great influence on me, musically, as I was growing up."
64
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