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Quotes by Comedian
"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."
81
"My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair."
80
"If you want a transcript of tonight's program, get a pen and write down everything I said."
79
"My influences were Peter Sellers and the great British character actors."
79
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
79
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
78
"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."
78
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
78
"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."
78
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
78
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
77
"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."
77
"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."
77
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
77
"If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house."
76
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
76
"Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes."
76
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
76
"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."
76
"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."
75
"He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention."
75
"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."
75
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."
75
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