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Quotes by Comedian
"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."
68
"Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes."
68
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."
68
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
67
"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."
67
"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."
66
"Entrepreneurs with disabilities are overwhelmingly successful."
66
"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."
66
"Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes."
66
"There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it."
66
"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."
66
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."
66
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
65
"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."
65
"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."
65
"I had a blast, but I still wonder sometimes why they saw me as the perfect guy for this strange character."
65
"Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid."
64
"There is so much we can learn from TV. It's a window on the world."
64
"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone."
63
"A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them."
63
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
63
"I run six-to-eight miles a day, plus weights and aerobics in the lunch hour. I also lie a lot, which keeps me thin."
63
"I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car."
63
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