top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong."
31
"He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention."
31
"It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy."
31
"Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable."
31
"The good thing about getting older is that, as you become less attractive, so you have less desire to go out and conquer everyone you see."
30
"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer."
Cats,
30
"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."
30
"Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger."
30
"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order."
30
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
29
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
29
"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."
29
"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."
29
"It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it."
29
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."
29
"I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out."
29
"Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad."
28
"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."
28
"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."
Time,
28
"I worked with Paul McCartney for a while and saw what it does to you to be treated like a god for twenty years."
28
"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."
28
"If you're in the White House, it's your house, and you can invite whatever friend you want."
28
"I'm supposed to be the director of a television company, but I've only ever seen that company as a vehicle for making the kind of programmes we wanted to make, getting our ideas on the screen."
28
"I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking."
27
bottom of page