Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 3/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds."

"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

13

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Pleasure, Woman

13

"Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on."

"Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

Love, Clothes, Girls

13

"I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun."

"I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

Success, Successful, Adulthood, Being, Fun

13

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Woman, Women, World

13

"In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job."

"In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job."

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

13

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

13

"The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time."

"The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

Funny, Time, Trying

13

"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."

"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

12

"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

Jack Benny, American Comedian

12

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

12

"I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy."

"I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Movies, Career, Comedy

12

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

12

"During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk."

"During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Men, Talk, Today

12

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

God, People, Church, Day

12

"I try not to have too much of an ego. I'll do anything."

"I try not to have too much of an ego. I'll do anything."

Rob Schneider, American Comedian

12

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

12

"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."

"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

12

"Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one."

"Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Lesbian, Word

12

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

12

"I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me."

"I don't know who the hell Paul Lynde is, or why he's funny, and I prefer it to be a mystery to me."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Funny, Hell, Mystery

12

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

Music, People, Country, Country music

12

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Selling, Buying, First, Legislation

12

"I thought they may have presumed too much knowledge of certain things for people who are not comedians. Like Montreal. A comic understands what it is and its importance, but someone else may not know about it."

"I thought they may have presumed too much knowledge of certain things for people who are not comedians. Like Montreal. A comic understands what it is and its importance, but someone else may not know about it."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Thought, People, Knowledge, Comedians

12

"My dad gave me my first bike at 16. I soon fell off and was in a wheelchair for weeks. I haven't fallen since."

"My dad gave me my first bike at 16. I soon fell off and was in a wheelchair for weeks. I haven't fallen since."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

Father, Dad, First

12

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

12

"I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law."

"I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Time, Famous, Law

12

"Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends."

"Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

12

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

11

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

11

"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

11

"I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful."

"I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Life, Alcohol, Drugs

11

"I worked with Paul McCartney for a while and saw what it does to you to be treated like a god for twenty years."

"I worked with Paul McCartney for a while and saw what it does to you to be treated like a god for twenty years."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

11

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Money, Work, People

11

"Cricket is basically baseball on valium."

"Cricket is basically baseball on valium."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Baseball, Cricket

11

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."

"The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

11

"My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry."

"My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Family, Work, Job, Poverty

11

"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

Father, Dad, Family, Brother, People

11

"I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart."

"I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart."

Buddy Hackett, American Comedian

11

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

11

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

11

"I'm really funny now."

"I'm really funny now."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

11

"It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there so I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon."

"It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there so I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon."

Dawn French, British Comedian

11

"This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air."

"This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

June, Now, Right, Will

11

"Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children."

"Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Time, Children, Job

11

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Time, Boss, Man

11

"Of course I've done musicals here in London."

"Of course I've done musicals here in London."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

11

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

11

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."

"If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

Marriage, Life, Variety

11

"I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive."

"I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

11

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