Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 3/66

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Quotes by Comedian

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."

"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Selling, Buying, First, Legislation

22

"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."

"The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Art, Comedy, Laughter, Man

22

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Age, Food, Life, Sex

22

"It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy."

"It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy."

Tony Hancock, British Comedian

22

"It's all about humanity, humility, and integrity."

"It's all about humanity, humility, and integrity."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

Humanity, Humility, Integrity

22

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Father, Dad, Mother, Wife, Day

21

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

Day, News, World

21

"I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy."

"I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Movies, Career, Comedy

21

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made."

"Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Business, Wisdom, Children, Mistakes

21

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

21

"He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention."

"He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention."

John Leguizamo, Colombian Comedian

College, Intention

21

"I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this."

"I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Marriage, Work, Life, Divorce

21

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

21

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

21

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

21

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Pleasure, Woman

21

"In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job."

"In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job."

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

21

"In actual life I am a grumpy old bag."

"In actual life I am a grumpy old bag."

Dawn French, British Comedian

21

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant."

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

20

"I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart."

"I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart."

Buddy Hackett, American Comedian

20

"Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children."

"Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Father, Being, Children, Nothing

20

"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."

"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

20

"It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there so I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon."

"It was fantastic to work in Cornwall partly because my family live there so I was able to do lots of visiting and eat lots of cake. They live all over Cornwall and all over Devon."

Dawn French, British Comedian

20

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

Jasper Carrott, English Comedian

20

"To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me."

"To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

People, Comedy, Occupation, Worry

20

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

20

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

People, Killing, Smoking

20

"Love is a promise delivered already broken."

"Love is a promise delivered already broken."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

20

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

"A smile is a curve that sets everything straight."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

20

"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."

"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

20

"I had a blast, but I still wonder sometimes why they saw me as the perfect guy for this strange character."

"I had a blast, but I still wonder sometimes why they saw me as the perfect guy for this strange character."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Character, Wonder

20

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Man, Old, Woman

20

"Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is."

"Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Funny, Chaos, Order

20

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Birthday, Wife, Man, Respect

20

"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."

"Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle."

George Burns, American Comedian

Happiness, Woman

20

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Love, Wife, Woman, Years

20

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

19

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."

"A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

19

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

19

"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."

"If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."

Eddie Izzard, British Comedian

19

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

"I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

19

"They're desperately searching for meaning in their lives but they will not crack the Bible open."

"They're desperately searching for meaning in their lives but they will not crack the Bible open."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Bible, Meaning, Open, Will

19

"I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course."

"I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Mother, Devil, Faces, Saying

19

"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

"Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection."

Yakov Smirnoff, Russian Comedian

Connection, Language, Laughter

19

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

19

"I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."

"I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."

Laura Kightlinger, American Comedian

Drink, Drinking, Now

19

"Of course I've done musicals here in London."

"Of course I've done musicals here in London."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

19

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Bed, Beds, Hate, Months

19

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."

"I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

Music, People, Country, Country music

19

"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."

"I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

19

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