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Tommy Cooper

"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."

Now,
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"I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure."

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Amber Hurdle

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid."

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Amber Hurdle

"I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro."

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Amber Hurdle

"Now I have to have the biggest P.O. box in the entire post office to get all the manuscripts coming in."

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Amber Hurdle

"We all now tell stories by cutting from one dramatic scene to the next, whereas Victorian novelists felt free to write long passages of undramatic summary."

Now,
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Amber Hurdle

"He said it was artificial respiration, but now I find I am to have his child."

Now,
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Amber Hurdle

"I'm writing a new book right now that is like an erotica manifesto."

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Amber Hurdle

"You will now have a starting place and a destination, and you will be able to determine what it will cost you to get there. You will be going someplace."

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Amber Hurdle

"Schools used to fund-raise for luxuries, like a trip to the water slides. Now, we fund-raise for things we have to have."

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Amber Hurdle

"I'm known as a winner now."

Now,
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Amber Hurdle

"Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now."

Explore more quotes by Tommy Cooper

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Tommy Cooper
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"
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Tommy Cooper
"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"
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Tommy Cooper
"Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
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Tommy Cooper
"A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'"
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Tommy Cooper
"So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"
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Tommy Cooper
"Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone."
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Tommy Cooper
"I went window shopping today! I bought four windows."
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Tommy Cooper
"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"
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Tommy Cooper
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'"
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Tommy Cooper
"Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!"
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