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"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
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"There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes, but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere."
"I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes."
"I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very hot to me."
"Our show was - it remained - you know, kids could watch it and laugh at it. And they wouldn't know - they wouldn't get the jokes. But they would laugh at it. So they tell me now they have grown up and they're watching it. Now they get the jokes. But we didn't say anything blatant."
"I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes."
"This is our lance. See, you're making me laugh about this now, because there have been a few jokes on the set about what they actually look like. But, see, I personally think they'd be a great toy. So... just batteries aren't included."
"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."
Explore more quotes by Emo Philips
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
"My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself."
"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something."
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
"Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."
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