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"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
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Explore more quotes by Emo Philips
"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
Exlpore more Jokes quotes
"I'm not Mr. Debonair Suave. I'm just a regular boy who goofs around, pulls pranks, and makes jokes. That doesn't sound very hot to me."
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
"I'm not a standup. I don't really have jokes. I don't have 10 minutes. It took a while for me to realize this."
"You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic."
"In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around."
"I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes."
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