"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes.""

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""

"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."

"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."