"I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction."

"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"The sign said 'eight items or less'. So I changed my name to Les."

"Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish."

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."

"I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am."

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet."

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

"I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends."

"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be."

"Hermits have no peer pressure."

"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here."

"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."

"I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add."

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect, then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing."

"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."

"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving."

"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."

"I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics."

"How young can you die of old age?"

"There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date."

"Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time."

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

"I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things."

"I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography."

"I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it."

"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."

"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.""

"Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for."

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was 'Quote' so the last thing I said before I died would be 'Unquote."

"I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6."