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Steven Wright

"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

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"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."

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Amber Hurdle

"Be warned: A person content to sit with you and criticize others will speak critically of you out of earshot."

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Amber Hurdle

"When placing an emergency call, it is important to remember that a corrupt or incompetent cop may be on their way to you."

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Amber Hurdle

"Anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell."

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Amber Hurdle

"Remember my friend, uncontrolled alcohol, uncontrolled casual sex and mindless indoctrination are not signs of progress, they are signs of drowning into the abyss of mental and physical degradation."

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Amber Hurdle

"If any woman opens her legs for you, don't feel so lucky to be fed with nonsense, she has been a bitch for a long time, and now its your own turn to get a share from her itching tunnel."

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Amber Hurdle

"He that lies down with dogs shall rise up with fleas."

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Amber Hurdle

"If I tell you not to follow me, it ain't because I hate you, kiddo.I just don't want you feel dissapointed...when seeing the truth."

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Amber Hurdle

"Progress isn't always good. There's a reason why 'breakneck speed' is described as such."

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Amber Hurdle

"Conspiracy is always inspired by conspirators."

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Amber Hurdle

"If we go on like this, there won't be anything left to fight for."

Explore more quotes by Steven Wright

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Steven Wright
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
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Steven Wright
"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
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Steven Wright
"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
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Steven Wright
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
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Steven Wright
"I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends."
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Steven Wright
"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
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Steven Wright
"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"
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Steven Wright
"I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy."
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Steven Wright
"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
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Steven Wright
"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
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