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"I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
Friendship
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
Time
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
Now
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
Car
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
People
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
Power
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
Press
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
Future
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
Purpose
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"The night creeps in by subtle degrees while a show of fierce colors attracts and distracts me. I look up, suddenly aware of remote lights scattered overhead. I gasp as the last streak of fire dies on the horizon, and I comprehend it all too late. That crafty, dark night has swallowed my world whole."
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Personal Development
"I can find in my undergraduate classes, bright students who do not know that the stars rise and set at night, or even that the Sun is a star."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The night I announced I was getting married, Daddy paced for hours on the porch."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I wasn't really qualified to be on Saturday Night Live - I'm not like an impressionist or anything."
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Personal Development
"Making sleep happen is a must - anytime, anywhere, from a plane to a train to an automobile. Ideally, I like to get eight to ten hours a night, though I'll take it broken up in two segments if I have to."
Author Name
Personal Development
"The one thing I could do was voices and impersonations and weird characters, and there was really no call for that, except on Saturday Night Live."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I was working at this club in downtown L.A. from four to eight at night, just Eddie Rubin, the drummer, and I."
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Personal Development
"Late night television is ready for someone like me... standards have gone to an all-time low."
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Personal Development
"Yes, beef is what was for dinner last night. Tonight it will be my dinner, and it will continue to be."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Most of those mocking us and our works night after night have not reached the point of suggesting we are going to use those weapons. They are pretty useless right now."
Author Name
Personal Development
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