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"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar.""
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"To make dollars from cents you have to have sense."
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Personal Development
"A drunkard would not give money to sober people. He said they would only eat it, and buy clothes and send their children to school with it."
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Personal Development
"Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth."
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Personal Development
"Money is a handmaiden, if thou knowest how to use it; a mistress, if thou knowest not."
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Personal Development
"The price we have to pay for money is sometimes liberty."
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Personal Development
"Nothing induces me to read a novel except when I have to make money by writing about it. I detest them."
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Personal Development
"To understand someone, find out how he spends his money."
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Personal Development
"Egoism and Money [Goddess of wealth; Lakshmi] are very much at odds [have great enmity]. There should be just enough egoism to accomplish one's work. Beyond that, any expanded egoism and money have great enmity. Money (Lakshmi) stays away from it."
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Personal Development
"Money cannot buy you love. But it sure can buy you things that some people will love you for having."
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Personal Development
"When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money."
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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
Now
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
Purpose
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
People
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
Car
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
Friendship
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
Power
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
Thought
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
Future
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
Argument
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