Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 35/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."

"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

37

"When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room."

"When I perform, it's very personal. I'm sharing things I like, inviting the audience into my room."

Andy Kaufman, American Comedian

37

"It pays to get drunk with the best people."

"It pays to get drunk with the best people."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

37

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it."

George Carlin, American Comedian

People, Authority

37

"Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them."

"Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

37

"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."

"Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

Posterity, Reading, Mortality, Humor, Preparedness

37

"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back."

"I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

College, Day, Law

36

"It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour."

"It's the teenage and university crowd, so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

Sex, Jokes, Teenage, University

36

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment."

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

36

"When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be."

"When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

People, Animals, Clowns, Mimes

36

"People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius."

"People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius."

Jerry Lewis, American Comedian

Genius, People, Famous, Hate

36

"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them."

"I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

36

"Somewhere around the fifth or seventh grade I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity."

"Somewhere around the fifth or seventh grade I figured out that I could ingratiate myself to people by making them laugh. Essentially, I was just trying to make them like me. But after a while it became part of my identity."

Tina Fey, American Comedian

People, Identity, Trying

36

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

36

"British politics is more nuanced. Part of the problem with New Labour is that they are a moving target."

"British politics is more nuanced. Part of the problem with New Labour is that they are a moving target."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

36

"We learned a verse of this and that and we were having fun with the songs. Tommy would make up stories to go along with them and I would yell at him, 'Hey, stupid, that's not right,' and he was like a silly kid trying to impress."

"We learned a verse of this and that and we were having fun with the songs. Tommy would make up stories to go along with them and I would yell at him, 'Hey, stupid, that's not right,' and he was like a silly kid trying to impress."

Dick Smothers, American Comedian

Fun, Right, Silly, Songs

36

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."

"Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Want

36

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."

"At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Hope, Fight, Man, Reform

36

"Every character I do is based on someone I know."

"Every character I do is based on someone I know."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

36

"Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works."

"Straight girls like me. They flirt with me to get whatever they want. Of course it works."

Lea DeLaria, American Comedian

36

"I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry."

"I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Poetry, School, Teenagers

36

"Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist."

"Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

36

"I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real."

"I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

36

"Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework."

"Sex education may be a good idea in the schools, but I don't believe the kids should be given homework."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Education, Sex, Idea, Kids

36

"Every Vacation movie didn't just make the studio money. They each made the studio a lot of money."

"Every Vacation movie didn't just make the studio money. They each made the studio a lot of money."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

Money, Vacation

36

"When I see the Ten Most Wanted Lists... I always have this thought: If we'd made them feel wanted earlier, they wouldn't be wanted now."

"When I see the Ten Most Wanted Lists... I always have this thought: If we'd made them feel wanted earlier, they wouldn't be wanted now."

Eddie Cantor, American Comedian

36

"A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on."

"A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

36

"I'm humble enough to wait and just chill. I'm having fun just working with these good people, man."

"I'm humble enough to wait and just chill. I'm having fun just working with these good people, man."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

People, Fun, Man

36

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."

"I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Death, Drinking

36

"Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile."

"Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Society, Inspiration

36

"I just want to do cool stuff."

"I just want to do cool stuff."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

36

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"

"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

Cause, Confusion, Foreigners

36

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

People, Democrats, Republicans

36

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

"My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

36

"In fact, one was so booked out we went from March and were to go till November, but the pantomime was booked so they transferred the show to the Prince of Wales Theatre because it was so packed out, and it ran on from there."

"In fact, one was so booked out we went from March and were to go till November, but the pantomime was booked so they transferred the show to the Prince of Wales Theatre because it was so packed out, and it ran on from there."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Fact, March, Theatre

36

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

"I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out."

Jay London, American Comedian

36

"There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto."

"There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Money, Bank account

36

"And I love Mel Brooks. My Dad loved his movies, too, they're awesome, the kind of thing that if you're in for ten minutes, you're in for two hours."

"And I love Mel Brooks. My Dad loved his movies, too, they're awesome, the kind of thing that if you're in for ten minutes, you're in for two hours."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Father, Dad, Love, Movies, Brooks

36

"I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully."

"I made a supreme effort not to do that thing that parents do, which is to bore people without children to death by going on and on about how funny their children are, so there's none of that hopefully."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

Death, Funny, People, Children

36

"I've said this before, that, when you're in school and you're the class clown, men are really good at making fun at other people and women are really good at making fun of themselves."

"I've said this before, that, when you're in school and you're the class clown, men are really good at making fun at other people and women are really good at making fun of themselves."

Amy Poehler, American Comedian

Men, Women, People, Class

36

"Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair."

"Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair."

George Burns, American Comedian

People, Country, Hair, Running

36

"I owe everything to the army."

"I owe everything to the army."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

36

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

"Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

36

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

Food, Sex, Day, Drinking

36

"Speed is scarcely the noblest virtue of graphic composition, but it has its curious rewards. There is a sense of getting somewhere fast, which satisfies a native American urge."

"Speed is scarcely the noblest virtue of graphic composition, but it has its curious rewards. There is a sense of getting somewhere fast, which satisfies a native American urge."

James Thurber, American Comedian

36

"There were 84 original episodes. It was rated No. 1 and No. 2 on the Fox Children's Network. We figured it was time to make it available to people who have never watched it."

"There were 84 original episodes. It was rated No. 1 and No. 2 on the Fox Children's Network. We figured it was time to make it available to people who have never watched it."

Howie Mandel, Canadian Comedian

Time, People, Children, Network

36

"I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night."

"I missed the boat when I was doing Late Night."

Chris Elliott, American Comedian

36

"With Ice Cube they ain't no telling. He might have one cocked and loaded, ready to bust. We might do The Sunday, two old men sitting around the house waiting on the social security check."

"With Ice Cube they ain't no telling. He might have one cocked and loaded, ready to bust. We might do The Sunday, two old men sitting around the house waiting on the social security check."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

Men, Old, Security, Waiting

36

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

"Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

36

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back."

"I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back."

Richard Lewis, American Comedian

Help, Therapy, Trying

36

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