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Quotes by Comedian
"I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it."
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"Politics is a necessary evil, or a necessary annoyance, a necessary conundrum."
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"It was only a few years ago that I couldn't get hired to save my life."
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"Before I do anything, I think, well what hasn't been seen. Sometimes, that turns out to be something ghastly and not fit for society. And sometimes that inspiration becomes something that's really worthwhile."
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"In TV, and in particular in commercials, you don't really need to explain very much at all - you just say he's a spy and he's a little bit theatrical and overblown and smug and he's not very good at his job."
Job,
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"Maybe I'll learn how, but the only thing I can do is turn down parts that would hurt my conscience."
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"When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they laughed at me."
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"I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'"
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"I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin."
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"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
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"Poets have said that the reason to have children is to give yourself immortality. Immortality? Now that I have five children, my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die."
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"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."
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"Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling."
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"There is something about a poet which leads us to believe that he died, in many cases, as long as 20 years before his birth."
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"Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow."
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"I didn't like the nervous tension of being a public person."
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"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
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"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion. "How are you" is a greeting, not a question."
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"The message of the movie is to accept who you are and not to succumb to the pressure of what the media tells you is beautiful and what you should be looking like."
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"When I was growing up, there were just the three channels, so as a nation we all sat down to the same meal at the end of the day. Now there's been this explosion."
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"It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?"
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"My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family."
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"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."
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"We became Morris and Morecambe. This partnership did not last long, however."
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"If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice."
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