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"Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex."
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"Sex and obscenity are not synonymous. Obscene material is material which deals with sex in a manner appealing to prurient interest."
"It's that I'm 39. I feel hot and sexy, actually... I feel it inside myself. I don't feel dried up and tired and no longer interested in sex is what I'm trying to say."
Explore more quotes by Bill Maher
"New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick."
"New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids."
"A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out."
"If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream."
"New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we're Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there's no stopping us until we're licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we're really not capable of: restraint and math."
"For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. 'Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!' I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan."
"New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That's the ATM saying, 'Stop it, you're hurting me.' A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly."
"Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom."
"Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings who don't have all the answers to think that they do."
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