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"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
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"Was it only by dreaming or writing that I could find out what I thought?"

"Each "way of thinking" has its own shape and color, which wax and wane like the moon."

"I thought I might say something to newsmen that could be turned into a scandal."

"To fly as fast as thought, you must begin by knowing that you have already arrived."
Explore more quotes by David Letterman

"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"

"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger."

"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives."

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."

"Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water."

"We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets."

"It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said."
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