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"The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts."
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"We seldom find people ungrateful so long as it is thought we can serve them."

"Action is no less necessary than thought to the instinctive tendencies of the human frame."

"All of my misfortunes come from having thought too well of my fellows."
Explore more quotes by David Letterman

"We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector."

"Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water."

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag."

"Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives."

"Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?"

"Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees."

"It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?"

"I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments."
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