Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 13/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Sleep, Tomorrow

5

"We had not had time to establish ourselves as a double act before Ernie joined the Merchant Navy. I teamed up with the brother of the late Dave Morris."

"We had not had time to establish ourselves as a double act before Ernie joined the Merchant Navy. I teamed up with the brother of the late Dave Morris."

Eric Morecambe, British Comedian

Time, Brother, Act, Navy

5

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately."

"Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

5

"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal."

"I absolutely realize that a celebrity spokesperson is not ideal."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

5

"I never told a joke in my life."

"I never told a joke in my life."

Andy Kaufman, American Comedian

5

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

George Carlin, American Comedian

Example, Fact, Right, Trying

5

"What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country."

"What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Country, Republican

5

"I learned that you don't have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious as falling all over the place or doing something."

"I learned that you don't have to be all over the place, that you can be subtle and you can say what you say. The words that you put together can be just as hilarious as falling all over the place or doing something."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

5

"The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero."

"The person I have admired the most in comedy terms would be Eric Morecambe, who is my total hero."

Dawn French, British Comedian

5

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

Wife, Now, Speech

5

"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top."

"Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

5

"Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion."

"Ugly. Is irrelevant. It is an immeasurable insult to a woman, and then supposedly the worst crime you can commit as a woman. But ugly, as beautiful, is an illusion."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Crime, Illusion, Insult, Ugly

5

"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."

"If men have a smell it's usually an accident."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

5

"So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it."

"So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

5

"I'm sure some cynical people would point to that as the main reason for doing it for a lot of people."

"I'm sure some cynical people would point to that as the main reason for doing it for a lot of people."

Jo Brand, British Comedian

5

"Digital brand integration is part of the evolution of product placement. It's simply another tool marketers use to get products integrated into shows. If you can put it in a package, we can put it in a show."

David Brenner, American Comedian

5

"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."

"This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Chicago, Man

5

"The important thing to remember is that bugs don't actually talk."

"The important thing to remember is that bugs don't actually talk."

Dave Foley, Canadian Comedian

5

"I only direct in self-defense."

"I only direct in self-defense."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

5

"I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough."

"I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough."

Jay London, American Comedian

5

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty."

George Burns, American Comedian

5

"In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing."

"In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

5

"I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real."

"I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

5

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

5

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Wife, Want, Years

5

"Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world."

"Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Fact, World, Years

5

"It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there."

"It was like going to church, except Ozzy Osbourne was there."

Sam Kinison, American Comedian

5

"Did you know that today will never be tomorrow."

"Did you know that today will never be tomorrow."

Jay London, American Comedian

Today, Tomorrow, Will

5

"They gave each other a smile with a future in it."

"They gave each other a smile with a future in it."

Ring Lardner, American Comedian

5

"In 1958, we decided to go to Australia. We were there for six months, and all the shows went well."

"In 1958, we decided to go to Australia. We were there for six months, and all the shows went well."

Ernie Wise, English Comedian

5

"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it."

"The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

People, Hate, Tea

5

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

Alexei Sayle, British Comedian

Woman, Women, People

5

"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."

"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

5

"I can't explain it, but spiritually it makes sense - though I don't understand how it does make sense."

"I can't explain it, but spiritually it makes sense - though I don't understand how it does make sense."

Kevin McDonald, Canadian Comedian

5

"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."

"President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Father, Credibility, Liberal, President

5

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."

"Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Life, Humor, Laughter

5

"I fit into the quirky, character class type of actor."

"I fit into the quirky, character class type of actor."

Debra Wilson, American Comedian

Character, Actor, Class

5

"Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped."

"Animals don't have anyone to protect them. If we don't stand up, the people who are harming animals will never get stopped."

Paul Rodriguez, Mexican Comedian

People, Animals, Will

5

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

"Comedy is acting out optimism."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Optimism, Acting, Comedy

5

"Creativity is the answer. I always prefer the creative solution to an expensive solution."

"Creativity is the answer. I always prefer the creative solution to an expensive solution."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

Creativity, Solution

5

"If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house."

"If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house."

Gilbert Gottfried, American Comedian

5

"I really wasn't a class clown."

"I really wasn't a class clown."

Kevin James, American Comedian

5

"I'm not a crazy, party-going sort of person."

"I'm not a crazy, party-going sort of person."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

5

"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."

"If presidents can't do it to their wives, they do it to their country."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

5

"They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed."

"They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

People, Bed, Now, Smoking

5

"If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none."

"If Shaw and Einstein couldn't beat death, what chance have I got? Practically none."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

5

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."

Marty Feldman, English Comedian

5

"Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine."

"Before you can hit the jackpot, you have to put a coin in the machine."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

5

"I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone."

"I think Mr. Wilson will have to be the rest of the way alone."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

5

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

"I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it."

Demetri Martin, American Comedian

Birthday, Christmas, Want, Waste

5

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