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Quotes by Comedian
"Affectation is a very good word when someone does not wish to confess to what he would none the less like to believe of himself."
48
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."
Golf,
48
"Green Eggs and Ham was the story of my life. I wouldn't eat a thing when I was a kid, but Dr. Seuss inspired me to try cauliflower!"
Life,
48
"Actually, I didn't like Dartmouth very much, but the whole theater scene I really liked."
48
"My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables, for that matter."
48
"One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs."
48
"Such is life and life is such and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse."
48
"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
47
"The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen."
47
"He sort of gets comic moments. Not a lot of directors do."
47
"If you see me at a restaurant, blow me a kiss, wave, blow me another kiss, then walk five steps backward."
Kiss,
47
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."
47
"My first appearance as a guest on The Tonight Show was in '81."
47
"Every now and then you get a nice Jewish kid who likes black people and they would come in, and it would be a stream of them, and have black friends and really feel the black struggle on the acting tip and it's a reason why all of us are not dying in the movie."
47
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific."
47
"I worked with Paul McCartney for a while and saw what it does to you to be treated like a god for twenty years."
47
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
47
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."
47
"Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done."
47
"If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
47
"Maybe other people will try to limit me but I don't limit myself."
47
"Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you."
47
"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."
47
"Maybe entertainment is not supposed to be reality."
47
"I once had dinner with Madonna and I wasn't nervous but within about a minute I found myself talking about underwear."
47
"The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust."
47
"I don't have a single complete show or movie or anything else that I could look at and say, "Nailed that one." But endless dissatisfaction is, I suppose, what gets us out of bed in the morning."
Bed,
47
"In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars."
47
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