top of page
.png){kind=small}
Quotes by Comedian
"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."
Golf,
59
"One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs."
59
"Such is life and life is such and after all it isn't much. First a cradle. Then a hearse. It might have been better, but it could have been worse."
59
"The most important thing in acting is honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
58
"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to."
58
"We are both drawn to surreal situations so the writing was a joy."
58
"I worked with Paul McCartney for a while and saw what it does to you to be treated like a god for twenty years."
58
"There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount."
58
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."
58
"This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number."
58
"The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you."
58
"The dining room in my old house was truly magnificent, but by far the worst room for conversation. I'd get up from the table, a very long table, and somebody would always say, Paul, I never got to talk to you."
58
"Maybe other people will try to limit me but I don't limit myself."
58
"Maybe entertainment is not supposed to be reality."
58
"I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things."
58
"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger."
58
"I was totally unknown in the television and film industry in Canada."
58
"Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book."
58
"We signed up for Showtime, which I think put us on a Homeland Security list somewhere."
58
"The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand."
58
"Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom."
58
"My report card always said, 'Jim finishes first and then disrupts the other students'."
58
"Monty Python crowd; half of them came from Cambridge, and half of them came from Oxford. But, there seems to be this jewel, this sort of two headed tradition of doing comedy, of doing sketches, and that kind of thing."
58
"I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs."
58
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."
58
"I have been instrumental in banning bottled water on the set. It hasn't gone that well with the crew... so I replaced it with tequila."
58
"I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it."
58
"An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt."
58
bottom of page