"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."

Husband, Ruin

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"My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives."

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"Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything."

William Shakespeare, English Dramatist

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"I think there's something degrading about having a husband for a rival. It's humiliating if you fail and commonplace if you succeed."

Christopher Hampton, British Playwright

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"My husband travels a lot with his job, so we have a lot of frequent flyer miles so we can hop on a plane with no notice. That's a nice luxury and he is very supportive."

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"And I find it very easy to memorize the scripts, which are so close to conversations my husband and I have."

Patricia Heaton, American Actress

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"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

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"The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are too old to do it."

Shirley MacLaine, American Actress

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"My husband is a fall-away Catholic, but with a vengeance. He's actually more of a feminist than I am."

Olympia Dukakis, American Actress

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"But on the other hand, I talked to a woman who was a working woman, and it was actually great for her, because she had her husband one week of the month and the other three weeks, while he was with his other wives, she got to pursue what she wanted to do."

Jeanne Tripplehorn, American Actress

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"A husband is what's left of a sweetheart after the nerve has been killed."

Lou Costello, American Comedian

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"I figure when you get married, it doesn't matter how much you earn or how much your husband earns, just as long as everything you do for the house is together, while still reserving some part of yourself to be yourself."

Marta Kristen, American Actress

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Explore more quotes by Rita Rudner

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk."

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"I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose."

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"A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax."

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"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."

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"It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life."

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"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times."

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"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping."

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"The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him."

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"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them."

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"I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso."

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