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Steven Wright

"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"

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"Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?"

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Amber Hurdle

"Do you know how helpless you feel if you have a full cup of coffee in your hand and you start to sneeze?"

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Amber Hurdle

"The Monmouth Coffee Shop is the best place in London."

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Amber Hurdle

"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems."

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Amber Hurdle

"Coffee on an airplane always smells bad. Whenever it is served, suddenly the whole cabin stinks of it."

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Amber Hurdle

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

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Amber Hurdle

"The centuries last passed have also given the taste important extension; the discovery of sugar, and its different preparations, of alcoholic liquors, of wine, ices, vanilla, tea and coffee, have given us flavors hitherto unknown."

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Amber Hurdle

"I bought an espresso maker and coffee maker and make them myself every day."

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Amber Hurdle

"They say you can smoke 400 cigs a day and drink 20 cups of coffee, but you can't have a line or a drink again."

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Amber Hurdle

"In the morning we received some very thin coffee. For lunch we had potato soup with a few pieces of meat in it, in the evening we had a very thin meat soup with some potatoes in it."

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Amber Hurdle

"I could serve coffee using my rear as a ledge."

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"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
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"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
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Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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Steven Wright
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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Steven Wright
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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Steven Wright
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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Steven Wright
"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
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Steven Wright
"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."
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Steven Wright
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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Steven Wright
"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."
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