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"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."
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"I started working around eigth grade. I remember doing a Doritos commercial where there were four days in a row of eating them, and I will tell you, I have not eaten many Doritos since."
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Personal Development
"Dinner was made for eating, not for talking."
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Personal Development
"I remember seeing the song in some diners on the selection gadget that plays records at the table while you were eating. We were never told if the songs ever got on any charts."
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Personal Development
"He who looks in the crystal ball ends up eating glass... They're way, way close."
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Personal Development
"The sun would come up over the ocean, and we'd be eating scrambled eggs before we shot some stuff. It was a vacation in the sense that it was the best working conditions."
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"Eating coals of fire has always been one of the sensational feats of the Fire Kings, as it is quite generally known that charcoal burns with an extremely intense heat."
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"If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."
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"I can't walk by chocolate without eating it."
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"Am I eating chicken or tuna?"
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Personal Development
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."
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"Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!"
Humor
"Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it."
Equality
"Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be."
Perspective
"I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
Thought
"Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain."
Happiness
"I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share."
Success
"This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen."
Politics
"I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better."
Humor
"Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed."
Humor
"Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul, now it's trying to save its body."
Culture
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