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"In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars."
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"Restoring order of my personal universe suddenly seemed imperative, as I refolded my T-shirts, stuffed the toes of my shoes with tissue paper, and arranged all the bills in my secret stash box facing the same way, instead of tossed in sloppy and wild, as if by my evil twin. All week, I kept making lists and crossing things off them, ending each day with a sense of great accomplishment eclipsed only by complete and total exhaustion."

"God has created the world to be run by His principles."

"If they had told me I was the janitor and would have to mop up and clean the toilets after the show in order to play, I probably would have done it."

"He seems to want confrontation not only with the legislature and with the other elected officials, but he wants constant confrontation in order to be center stage on the television screen."

"Taxes should be lower, flatter, and simpler, in that order."
Explore more quotes by Stephen Colbert


"In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'"


"You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians."


"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything."


"I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law."


"I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way."


"In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars."
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