Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 11/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

6

"The best part about poker is there's no down side."

"The best part about poker is there's no down side."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

6

"Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption."

"Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

Baby, Self, World

6

"The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have."

"The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have."

Ring Lardner, American Comedian

6

"If only the strength of the love that people feel when it is reciprocated could be as intense and obsessive as the love we feel when it is not; then marriages would be truly made in heaven."

"If only the strength of the love that people feel when it is reciprocated could be as intense and obsessive as the love we feel when it is not; then marriages would be truly made in heaven."

Ben Elton, British Comedian

Love, People, Strength, Heaven

6

"The term 'celebrity' makes my skin crawl."

"The term 'celebrity' makes my skin crawl."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

6

"Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost."

"Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost."

James Thurber, American Comedian

6

"Change is such hard work."

"Change is such hard work."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

Change, Work, Hard work

6

"I was in the band as a boy and was taught music and learned to compose."

"I was in the band as a boy and was taught music and learned to compose."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

6

"My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables, for that matter."

"My kitchen is not a place to live in. I made it white so I can tell instantly if it's not clean-and I like it clean enough to be able to eat off the floors-or the tables, for that matter."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

6

"Once I found out how much an Off-Off-Broadway actor makes, I was whoring myself out the next day."

"Once I found out how much an Off-Off-Broadway actor makes, I was whoring myself out the next day."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

6

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

"Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Failure, Church, First

5

"Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?"

"Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?"

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Home, Restraint, Right, Trade

5

"We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make."

"We've discovered that the less we do, the more money we make."

Eric Idle, English Comedian

5

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."

"I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect."

George Carlin, American Comedian

5

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel."

David Letterman, American Comedian

Experts, Iraq, May, News

5

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

Tim Vine, British Comedian

5

"I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?"

"I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?"

Bill Maher, American Comedian

5

"Advertising degrades the people it appeals to; it deprives them of their will to choose."

"Advertising degrades the people it appeals to; it deprives them of their will to choose."

Carrie P. Snow, American Comedian

People, Advertising, Will

5

"I like going to France, because no one knows who I am."

"I like going to France, because no one knows who I am."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

5

"Anybody can direct, but there are only eleven good writers."

"Anybody can direct, but there are only eleven good writers."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

Writer, Writers

5

"Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary."

"Privacy and security are those things you give up when you show the world what makes you extraordinary."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Privacy, Security, World

5

"Our first gig was a battle of the bands. We did 45 minutes of comedy and never played a note - and we won!"

"Our first gig was a battle of the bands. We did 45 minutes of comedy and never played a note - and we won!"

Cheech Marin, American Comedian

Battle, Comedy, First

5

"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything."

"Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Perception, Argument, Country, Facts

5

"I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?"

"I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?"

Martin Lawrence, American Comedian

Soul, Key, Sound, Want

5

"Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get to work with so many different people who come in to host the show and you get thrown into so many situations and learn how to think on your feet, so filmmaking actually feels slow, in a good way."

"Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get to work with so many different people who come in to host the show and you get thrown into so many situations and learn how to think on your feet, so filmmaking actually feels slow, in a good way."

Will Ferrell, American Comedian

Work, People, Comedy, Feet

5

"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars."

"Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Mistake, People, Hollywood, Stars

5

"He is so old that his blood type was discontinued."

"He is so old that his blood type was discontinued."

Bill Dana, American Comedian

5

"Be quick to learn and wise to know."

"Be quick to learn and wise to know."

George Burns, American Comedian

5

"As a real person, he wouldn't last a minute, would he? But drama is about imperfection. And we've moved away from the aspirational hero. We got tired of it, it was dull. If I was House's friend, I would hate it. How he so resolutely refuses to be happy or take the kind-hearted road. But we don't always like morally good people, do we?"

"As a real person, he wouldn't last a minute, would he? But drama is about imperfection. And we've moved away from the aspirational hero. We got tired of it, it was dull. If I was House's friend, I would hate it. How he so resolutely refuses to be happy or take the kind-hearted road. But we don't always like morally good people, do we?"

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

People, Friend, Drama, Hate

5

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Argument, Arguments, Silence

5

"You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious."

"You can talk about anything if you go about it the right way, which is never malicious."

Rodney Carrington, American Comedian

5

"If you become president, you're guaranteed to develop some nervous habit."

"If you become president, you're guaranteed to develop some nervous habit."

Rich Little, Canadian Comedian

Habit, President

5

"Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids."

"Here's the thing - I'm single, I haven't been married, I don't have kids yet. If I do have kids I would be interested to see them in my life, so here's a movie for kids and I'm in there and I'm supposed to be kind of funny for kids."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Funny, Life, Kids

5

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment."

"Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

5

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

George Burns, American Comedian

5

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

5

"I walked in thinking, 'I have ten movies under my belt and now they want me to go back to making commercials?' I said, if I do that, I want it to be funny."

"I walked in thinking, 'I have ten movies under my belt and now they want me to go back to making commercials?' I said, if I do that, I want it to be funny."

Orlando Jones, American Comedian

Funny, Movies, Now, Thinking

5

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

5

"For a good chunk of Israelis, it doesn't matter who is in power when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians. Their focus was more on economic issues."

"For a good chunk of Israelis, it doesn't matter who is in power when it comes to dealing with the Palestinians. Their focus was more on economic issues."

Jonathan Katz, American Comedian

5

"When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be."

"When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

People, Animals, Clowns, Mimes

5

"I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show."

"I never believe them when they say that because you really have to sort of be aware of what's going on in the news in order to get the jokes on the show."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

Jokes, News, Order

5

"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."

"I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

5

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

"You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

5

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

5

"Every person should have their escape route planned. I think everyone has an apocalypse fantasy, what would I do in the event of the end of the world, and we just basically - me and Nick - said what would we do, where would we head?"

"Every person should have their escape route planned. I think everyone has an apocalypse fantasy, what would I do in the event of the end of the world, and we just basically - me and Nick - said what would we do, where would we head?"

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

End, Fantasy, World

5

"I don't really think of myself as an actor."

"I don't really think of myself as an actor."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

5

"If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer."

"If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer."

Lewis Black, American Comedian

People, Islands, Want, World

5

"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."

"How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days."

George Burns, American Comedian

5

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Belief, Beliefs, Dogs, Immortality, Heaven

5

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