Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 11/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon."

"Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

Women, End, Want

50

"I love playing ego and insecurity combined."

"I love playing ego and insecurity combined."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Love, Ego, Insecurity

50

"I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?"

"I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?"

Milton Berle, American Comedian

50

"In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport."

"In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it's a sport."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

Chicago, Country, Duty, Right

50

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Christmas, Day, Job, Office

50

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

50

"I have been instrumental in banning bottled water on the set. It hasn't gone that well with the crew... so I replaced it with tequila."

"I have been instrumental in banning bottled water on the set. It hasn't gone that well with the crew... so I replaced it with tequila."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

50

"I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law."

"I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Time, Famous, Law

50

"I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off."

"I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

Approval, Now, Right

50

"The show has become my therapy."

"The show has become my therapy."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

50

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

50

"I don't want to do the same thing over and over again."

"I don't want to do the same thing over and over again."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

50

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."

"Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Language, Nothing

50

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

50

"Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over. My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell."

"Just because someone's dead doesn't mean it's over. My grandfather died more than 25 years ago, but I still think of him a lot and smell his smell."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

50

"If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush."

"If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model. Kate Moss? Well, she would have been the paintbrush."

Dawn French, British Comedian

50

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."

George Carlin, American Comedian

50

"Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?"

"Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?"

George Gobel, American Comedian

Feelings, Feeling, World

49

"Communism is like one big phone company."

"Communism is like one big phone company."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Communism, Company

49

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

"My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

Boyfriend, Want

49

"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."

"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."

Jay London, American Comedian

Performance, Cause, Drugs, May

49

"I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny."

"I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

Funny, Judgment

49

"That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it."

"That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

49

"Our shows today are better and funnier than they've ever been."

"Our shows today are better and funnier than they've ever been."

Dick Smothers, American Comedian

49

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

"If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Sleep, Tomorrow

49

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Answers, Questions

49

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Being, Day, Trying

49

"I left Indiana, and I ain't been back since. I've been doing comedy and paying my bills."

"I left Indiana, and I ain't been back since. I've been doing comedy and paying my bills."

Mike Epps, American Comedian

49

"A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'"

"A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

Age, Old, Opinion, Ugly

49

"The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more."

"The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

49

"Some nights it was a melee, literally, where I'd be standing trying to defend myself for what I was doing. People would be screaming at me to do my old act, and getting actually violent and angry at me."

"Some nights it was a melee, literally, where I'd be standing trying to defend myself for what I was doing. People would be screaming at me to do my old act, and getting actually violent and angry at me."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

People, Act, Old, Trying

49

"Creativity is the answer. I always prefer the creative solution to an expensive solution."

"Creativity is the answer. I always prefer the creative solution to an expensive solution."

Keenen Ivory Wayans, American Comedian

Creativity, Solution

49

"I'm not a crazy, party-going sort of person."

"I'm not a crazy, party-going sort of person."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

49

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

Mom, Father, Thought, Voice

49

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Being, First, Fool, Succeed

49

"My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly."

"My sisters said, Why do you make those faces? You make yourself so ugly."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Faces, Sisters, Ugly

49

"I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate."

"I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Basketball, Philosophy, Play, Spiritual

49

"Man is flying too fast for a world that is round. Soon he will catch up with himself in a great rear end collision."

"Man is flying too fast for a world that is round. Soon he will catch up with himself in a great rear end collision."

James Thurber, American Comedian

End, Flying, Man, Will

49

"The dining room in my old house was truly magnificent, but by far the worst room for conversation. I'd get up from the table, a very long table, and somebody would always say, Paul, I never got to talk to you."

"The dining room in my old house was truly magnificent, but by far the worst room for conversation. I'd get up from the table, a very long table, and somebody would always say, Paul, I never got to talk to you."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

Conversation, Old, Talk

49

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

"You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

49

"So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits."

"So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits."

Kathy Griffin, American Comedian

Limit, Limits, Wonder

49

"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."

"Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Flattery, Water

49

"This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air."

"This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

June, Now, Right, Will

49

"Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."

"Desperation is a necessary ingredient to learning anything, or creating anything. Period. If you ain't desperate at some point, you ain't interesting."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Desperation, Learning

49

"I drink to forget I drink."

"I drink to forget I drink."

Joe E. Lewis, American Comedian

49

"I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance."

"I am a lover of truth, a worshipper of freedom, a celebrant at the altar of language and purity and tolerance."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

Truth, Freedom, Language, Purity

49

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."

George Carlin, American Comedian

49

"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log."

"Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log."

Ellen DeGeneres, American Comedian

Holiday, Holidays, Nothing

49

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

49

"As you can imagine I'm disappointed as anything that I was not selected to be the presidential running mate. And I find it continually appalling that it would be a radical thing to have a woman on the ticket."

"As you can imagine I'm disappointed as anything that I was not selected to be the presidential running mate. And I find it continually appalling that it would be a radical thing to have a woman on the ticket."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Radical, Running, Woman

49

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