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"He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites."
Disaster
"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."
Beer
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
Boxing
"People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi."
People
"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."
Brother
"My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe."
Jokes
"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."
Night
"The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks."
Evil
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
Coffee
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"The correlative to loving our neighbors as ourselves is hating ourselves as we hate our neighbors."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We hate our squalor."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I hate getting bored."
Author Name
Personal Development
"But I'm not crazy about the designers like Prada and Gucci. I hate going into designer stores."
Author Name
Personal Development
"We've practiced loving long enough, let's come at last to hate."
Author Name
Personal Development
"If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us."
Author Name
Personal Development
"She wanted to get at the hate of them all, to pry at it and work at it until she found a little chink, and then pull out a pebble or a stone or a brick and then a part of the wall, and, once started, the whole edifice might roar down and be done away with."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I hate painting."
Author Name
Personal Development
"People say hate is like a poison - but they're wrong. It's like a drug. You never forget your first hit, how it seduces you with its strength and power, and takes you completely by storm. It colors your world in light and meaning, until you wonder how you ever managed to get by without it. And then, eventually, you get to a point where you can't. It takes over your life, until hating becomes your reason for living."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Hate does that. Burns off everything but itself, so whatever your grievance is, your face looks just like your enemy's."
Author Name
Personal Development
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