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Quotes by Comedian
"People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway."
69
"Everybody wants to eat at the government's table, but nobody wants to do the dishes."
43
"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is."
Fun,
42
"Being a lawyer in New York sucks because you're working eighty, sometimes a hundred hours a week."
41
"In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls."
35
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
33
"Everybody really needs to laugh... If you don't laugh, you're not going to live long."
31
"If you aren't in the moment, you are either looking forward to uncertainty, or back to pain and regret."
30
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
28
"Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest."
27
"The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time."
27
"Women say they have sexual thoughts too. They have no idea. It's the difference between shooting a bullet and throwing it. If they knew what we were really thinking, they'd never stop slapping us."
26
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
26
"Because I am afraid of commitment. This movie certainly has some bearing and is some reflection of my real feeling about relationships, because I do have commitment issues. My friends tell me I have intimacy problems, but they don't know me, so who cares what they think?"
26
"Scientists have found the gene for shyness. They would have found it years ago, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes."
25
"If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"
25
"I can eat a man, but I'm not sure of the fiber content."
25
"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."
24
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays."
24
"Latins for Republicans - it's like roaches for Raid."
23
"I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds."
23
"I think people feel starved of nice, glamorous entertainment. They want to see costumes and gaiety and a singer; old-fashioned entertainment - it won't die easily."
23
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
23
"You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough."
22
"I was familiar with that and 'Rio Bravo.' 'Rio Bravo' was what John Carpenter did, that brilliant move of taking a western and turning it into an urban flick. And from there you got, you know, all the cop genre movies of the time."
21
"My influences were Peter Sellers and the great British character actors."
21
"My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend."
21
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
20
"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."
19
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