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Steven Wright

"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

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"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."

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Akshay Vasu

"You want the audience to be uncomfortable."

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Akshay Vasu

"I feel that if I said anything about John, I would have to sit here for five days and say it all. Or I don't want to say anything."

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Akshay Vasu

"With yourself, I think you have to decide the kind of person that you really want to be, and for me, it's just a sweet girl."

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Akshay Vasu

"If you want to be happy, be."

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Akshay Vasu

"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center."

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Akshay Vasu

"And I want to say anything is possible. Comma. You know."

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Akshay Vasu

"When you focus on want, you become an endless cycle of wants."

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Akshay Vasu

"There, in the chords and melodies, is everything I want to say. The words just jolly it along. It's always been my way of expressing what for me is inexpressible by any other means."

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Akshay Vasu

"Only those who want everything done for them are bored."

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Akshay Vasu

"I didn't really want to be a comedian."

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Steven Wright
"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"
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Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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Steven Wright
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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Steven Wright
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
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Steven Wright
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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Steven Wright
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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Steven Wright
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
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Steven Wright
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
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Steven Wright
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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Steven Wright
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
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