"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'""

Car, World

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"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'""

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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

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"I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys."

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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

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"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."

Erma Bombeck, American Journalist

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"The New Dealers have all left Washington to make way for the car dealers."

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Explore more quotes by Tim Vine

"I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy."

Day

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

Holiday

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

Home

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

Driving

"Black beauty - he's a dark horse."

Beauty

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

Thought

"You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox."

Fact

"Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

Father

"I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself."

Love

"With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke."

People