"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

Now,

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"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

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Steven Wright, American Comedian

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Bertrand Russell, British Philosopher

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"Damn the sword! When Virginia wanted a sword, I gave her one. Now she sends me a toy! I require bread!"

George Rogers Clark, American Soldier

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Woody Allen, American Director

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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

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"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."

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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

"Roused by the lash of his own stubborn tail our lion now will foreign foes assail."

"What is now proved was once only imagined."

"The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire."

"If matters go badly now, they will not always be so."

"For years I wanted to be older, and now I am."

"The month of January, we were number one. Now, this is something we're proud of, because we recognize we're up against a formidable operation there at CNN."

"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted."

"Damn the sword! When Virginia wanted a sword, I gave her one. Now she sends me a toy! I require bread!"

"If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative."

Explore more quotes by Steven Wright

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."

"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."

"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."