Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 49/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved."

"I think, over the years, I've kind of evolved."

Carrot Top, American Comedian

32

"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business."

"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business."

Joey Adams, American Comedian

32

"The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn't even own a belt."

"The whole romantic part of my life was a wipeout. I didn't even own a belt."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

32

"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart."

"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Heart, Hollywood, Sincerity

32

"I remember driving home one evening while they were reviewing the papers on the radio. One of the articles was about me separating from my wife. It's a weird thing to listen to a news report about the break-up of your marriage."

"I remember driving home one evening while they were reviewing the papers on the radio. One of the articles was about me separating from my wife. It's a weird thing to listen to a news report about the break-up of your marriage."

Rory Bremner, British Comedian

Home, Marriage, Wife, Driving

32

"I can't do anything too serious like Saddam Hussein, but I would like to do Bill Clinton. That'd be fun."

"I can't do anything too serious like Saddam Hussein, but I would like to do Bill Clinton. That'd be fun."

Ruby Wax, American Comedian

32

"We managed to hang in there. Today when people get married there's a tendency to run away when things get tough. There is a lot of strength in hanging together."

"We managed to hang in there. Today when people get married there's a tendency to run away when things get tough. There is a lot of strength in hanging together."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

People, Strength, Today

32

"I am a quick study - I can memorize a script in an hour - but I can't remember a name three seconds. I've even forgotten my wife's name on occasion."

"I am a quick study - I can memorize a script in an hour - but I can't remember a name three seconds. I've even forgotten my wife's name on occasion."

Don Adams, American Comedian

Wife, Name, Quick, Study

32

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."

"I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Time, Sex, First

32

"There couldn't have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It's beyond baseball. It's rooting for your family."

"There couldn't have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It's beyond baseball. It's rooting for your family."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

Family, Baseball, Ending, Hollywood

32

"Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet."

"Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Peace, Justice, Parents, Quiet

32

"A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children."

"A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children."

David Brenner, American Comedian

32

"I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else."

"I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

32

"I think people will be curious to see what I can do as a dramatic actor."

"I think people will be curious to see what I can do as a dramatic actor."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

People, Actor, Will

32

"There are different types of love, and my love for my child is like me and my mum. We've gone through a lot of rocky patches, but we never stop loving."

"There are different types of love, and my love for my child is like me and my mum. We've gone through a lot of rocky patches, but we never stop loving."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

32

"The reason we're so dangerous is because we're totally harmless."

"The reason we're so dangerous is because we're totally harmless."

Cheech Marin, American Comedian

32

"Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously."

"Sometimes we have to actually say, I think you're really funny, but none of your jokes are going to make it on the air. So just answer my questions. Seriously."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

Funny, Jokes, Questions

32

"If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from."

"If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe, let him go back to where he came from."

Robert Benchley, American Comedian

Law, Laws, Universe

32

"The public may think I'm weird. They may think I'm crazy or anything that anyone wants to think about me. That's all fine. As long as one of the things you're not thinking about me is that I'm a pedophile. Because that's not true."

"The public may think I'm weird. They may think I'm crazy or anything that anyone wants to think about me. That's all fine. As long as one of the things you're not thinking about me is that I'm a pedophile. Because that's not true."

Paul Reubens, American Comedian

May, Public, Thinking

32

"It's not every day people fly you to New York for auditions."

"It's not every day people fly you to New York for auditions."

Samantha Bee, American Comedian

32

"I had some friends that tried it down there, and I went to a couple of open mics, and I just kind of got this... this sick urge to try it instead of just watching it."

"I had some friends that tried it down there, and I went to a couple of open mics, and I just kind of got this... this sick urge to try it instead of just watching it."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Friendship, Friends, Open

32

"It's important to have the right agent - people that are working hard for you. But an actor needs to be in control of their career no matter how good the representation is."

"It's important to have the right agent - people that are working hard for you. But an actor needs to be in control of their career no matter how good the representation is."

Joel McHale, American Comedian

People, Control, Actor, Career

32

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."

"I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

32

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

God, History, Mystery, Present

32

"What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality."

"What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality."

Andy Kaufman, American Comedian

People, Act, Reality

32

"The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right."

"The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

Conservative, Country, Religious, Right

32

"I have to keep reminding myself that I am their mother. Sometimes we are sitting at home and I feel like we are waiting for our mom to come home."

"I have to keep reminding myself that I am their mother. Sometimes we are sitting at home and I feel like we are waiting for our mom to come home."

Ruby Wax, American Comedian

Home, Mom, Mother, Waiting

32

"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

"My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!"

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Time, Son, Bed, Feet

32

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

32

"But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking."

"But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

Men, Women, Talking, Will

32

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

32

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away."

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Man, Obvious, Support

32

"I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread."

"I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

American, Earth

32

"It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians."

"It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

People, Comedians, Comedy, First

32

"Being a celebrity, I don't even have to talk."

"Being a celebrity, I don't even have to talk."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

Being, Celebrity, Talk

32

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

32

"Comedy. It was just huge in my house. Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness, Monty Python and all those James Bond movies were highly regarded."

"Comedy. It was just huge in my house. Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness, Monty Python and all those James Bond movies were highly regarded."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

32

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either."

David Letterman, American Comedian

War, Approval, Hell

32

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Life, Thought, People, Dogs

32

"It's the biggest party in the world, and you have to keep the whole thing percolating, which is difficult because a lot of awards most people don't care about."

"It's the biggest party in the world, and you have to keep the whole thing percolating, which is difficult because a lot of awards most people don't care about."

Bruce Vilanch, American Comedian

People, Awards, Care, Party

32

"If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race."

"If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

32

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

"I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Wife, Goodness, Kids

32

"Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

"Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Money, Pretty, Will

32

"Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro."

"Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro."

Billy Crystal, American Comedian

32

"Well, I have since seen you at Tinkle. It's a comedy show started by David Cross, me and Jon Benjamin. It features a wide variety of acts for all tastes and seasons."

"Well, I have since seen you at Tinkle. It's a comedy show started by David Cross, me and Jon Benjamin. It features a wide variety of acts for all tastes and seasons."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Comedy, Seasons, Variety

32

"My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions."

"My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions."

Elayne Boosler, American Comedian

Men, Wilderness, Years

32

"No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney."

"No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney."

David Letterman, American Comedian

32

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right."

"If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Father, Being, Chance

32

"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get."

"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

32

"When you're eight years old nothing is your business."

"When you're eight years old nothing is your business."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Business, Nothing, Old, Years

32

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