Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 49/75

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Quotes by Comedian

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

"Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

41

"I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that."

"I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

Car, Wife, Babies

41

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!"

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

41

"I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive."

"I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive."

Johnny Carson, American Comedian

41

"What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality."

"What's real? What's not? That's what I do in my act, test how other people deal with reality."

Andy Kaufman, American Comedian

People, Act, Reality

41

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

"I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

41

"I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes."

"I couldn't do any of my other characters, you know? But I could have done the lady. Church Lady's Malibu Beach party is an idea I have for a movie, too. Yes."

Dana Carvey, American Comedian

Idea, Church, Beach, Lady

41

"The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion."

"The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Religion, Time, People, Church

41

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

"I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

41

"Being a celebrity, I don't even have to talk."

"Being a celebrity, I don't even have to talk."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

Being, Celebrity, Talk

41

"I wasn't really qualified to be on Saturday Night Live - I'm not like an impressionist or anything."

"I wasn't really qualified to be on Saturday Night Live - I'm not like an impressionist or anything."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

41

"I want to be so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I'm dead."

"I want to be so famous that drag queens will dress like me in parades when I'm dead."

Laura Kightlinger, American Comedian

Dress, Famous, Want, Will

41

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

"People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Life, Thought, People, Dogs

41

"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."

"There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Being, Nothing, Wrong

41

"After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride."

"After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride."

Jay London, American Comedian

Cause, Pride, Privilege, Years

41

"I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little."

"I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

People, Pretty, Want, World

41

"People for the most part can smell lies."

"People for the most part can smell lies."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

41

"You know why Madison Avenue advertising has never done well in Harlem? We're the only ones who know what it means to be Brand X."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

41

"Lesbian humor isn't trying to sell anything, it doesn't have to sell out. Coming out as a lesbian onstage is still a very political act; if it weren't, more women would do it."

"Lesbian humor isn't trying to sell anything, it doesn't have to sell out. Coming out as a lesbian onstage is still a very political act; if it weren't, more women would do it."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Humor, Women, Act, Lesbian

41

"When you're eight years old nothing is your business."

"When you're eight years old nothing is your business."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

Business, Nothing, Old, Years

41

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."

"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Man, Mistakes, Questions, Sleep

41

"I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there."

"I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Life, Bed, Woman

41

"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."

"I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

41

"I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy."

"I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Comedy, Traveling, World

41

"We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile."

"We have such a long, familiar history with Peter Falk. The minute his mug is on that screen people smile."

Paul Reiser, American Comedian

History, People, Smile

41

"I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year."

"I'm going to North Pole to help out Santa this year."

Jimmy Fallon, American Comedian

41

"Jews were asked when life begins. For them it's when they finally graduate medical school."

"Jews were asked when life begins. For them it's when they finally graduate medical school."

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

Life, Medical, School

41

"I love John Waters. There's stuff in it that's beyond the boundaries of my taste, but his movies have always been like that."

"I love John Waters. There's stuff in it that's beyond the boundaries of my taste, but his movies have always been like that."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

Love, Movies, Taste

41

"No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12."

"No, no, I was only funny on stage, really. I, I, think I was funny as a person toward my classmates when I was very young. You know, when I was a child, up to about the age of 12."

Rowan Atkinson, English Comedian

41

"I have learned to love that which is meant to harm me, so that I can stand in the way of those who are less strong. I can take the bullets for those who aren't able to."

"I have learned to love that which is meant to harm me, so that I can stand in the way of those who are less strong. I can take the bullets for those who aren't able to."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

41

"I'm easy to work with, not a pushover, but I respond to criticism and find it inspiring."

"I'm easy to work with, not a pushover, but I respond to criticism and find it inspiring."

Ben Elton, British Comedian

Work, Criticism, Inspiring

41

"My father and mother - I figured if I could make them laugh, they'd stop fighting. I stole all their material."

"My father and mother - I figured if I could make them laugh, they'd stop fighting. I stole all their material."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

Mother, Father, Fighting

41

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."

"I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Humor, Self, Observation, Truth

41

"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money."

"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money."

George Burns, American Comedian

41

"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants."

"In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants."

Lewis Black, American Comedian

Evolution, Plants, Voting, Years

41

"I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time."

"I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time."

Jay London, American Comedian

41

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours."

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours."

Eric Idle, English Comedian

May, Will, Words

41

"Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart."

"Maybe I wanted to hear it so badly that my ears betrayed my mind in order to secure my heart."

Margaret Cho, American Comedian

Heart, Mind, Order

41

"Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase."

"Americans know as much about Canada as straight people do about gays. Americans arrive at the border with skis in July, and straight people think that being gay is just a phase. A very long phase."

Scott Thompson, Canadian Comedian

People, Americans, Being, Canada

41

"When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel."

"When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

Art, Performance, Stress, Humor, Creativity

41

"I laughed all the way through Love Story."

"I laughed all the way through Love Story."

Paul Lynde, American Comedian

41

"You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch."

"You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

41

"I'm currently in an interesting correspondence with a nun about forgiveness."

"I'm currently in an interesting correspondence with a nun about forgiveness."

Julian Clary, English Comedian

41

"I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right."

"I mean, I've had bartenders and waiters and waitresses make a comment about a joke of mine, like pointing out some sort of logic error or something that I've never even thought about, and they're right."

Todd Barry, American Comedian

Thought, Error, Logic, Right

41

"I think when I have kids and grandchildren I will be very proud to have them watch this movie."

"I think when I have kids and grandchildren I will be very proud to have them watch this movie."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

41

"The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong."

"The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong."

David Letterman, American Comedian

41

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

End, Name, Will

41

"A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates."

"A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

41

"Two stops after I got on, these two unbelievable short people got on, and the way they were looking at me, I could tell. They wanted to bite my ankles!"

"Two stops after I got on, these two unbelievable short people got on, and the way they were looking at me, I could tell. They wanted to bite my ankles!"

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

41

"Men are only as loyal as their options."

"Men are only as loyal as their options."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

41

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