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"I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him."
Gay
"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."
Missionaries
"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."
Work
"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."
Love
"In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some."
School
"I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'"
Father
"I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'"
Wife
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Men
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
First
"I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes."
Night
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"Prayer: the key of the day and the lock of the night."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Let us develop the resources of our land, call forth its powers, build up its institutions, promote all its great interests, and see whether we also, in our day and generation, may not perform something worthy to be remembered."
Author Name
Personal Development
"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."
Author Name
Personal Development
"So let's be honest with ourselves and not take ourselves too serious, and never condemn the other fellow for doing what we are doing every day, only in a different way."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Better one's House be too little one day than too big all the Year after."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Every day, I have a most embarrassing moment."
Author Name
Personal Development
"No charges have been filed by the L.A. district attorney's office, and for that I am appreciative. I have said it before, but we all make mistakes, and the day will come soon enough where you no longer read of mine in the tabloids."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Miserable is a good thing, though. If you start the day miserable, nobody else can screw up your day."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Back in my day, I would probe by hand. Now you can get commercial software that does the job for you."
Author Name
Personal Development
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