Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 4/75

top of page

Quotes by Comedian

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Father, Dad, Mother, Wife, Day

62

"I don't know nothing about communism. But I know the Albanians loved me. Same reason as anyone else loves me. Because I made them laugh."

"I don't know nothing about communism. But I know the Albanians loved me. Same reason as anyone else loves me. Because I made them laugh."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

Communism, Nothing, Reason

62

"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."

"A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock."

Jay London, American Comedian

62

"They're desperately searching for meaning in their lives but they will not crack the Bible open."

"They're desperately searching for meaning in their lives but they will not crack the Bible open."

Victoria Jackson, American Comedian

Bible, Meaning, Open, Will

62

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

62

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

62

"If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs."

"If you want to make an audience laugh, you dress a man up like an old lady and push her down the stairs. If you want to make comedy writers laugh, you push an actual old lady down the stairs."

Tina Fey, American Comedian

Comedy, Dress, Lady, Man

62

"But if one could go back in time, I'd love to have been directed by Howard Hawks, who's one of my great heroes. One of the greatest directors there ever was. He directed probably one of the greatest westerns of all time in Rio Bravo."

"But if one could go back in time, I'd love to have been directed by Howard Hawks, who's one of my great heroes. One of the greatest directors there ever was. He directed probably one of the greatest westerns of all time in Rio Bravo."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

Love, Time, Hawks, Heroes

62

"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."

"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

Lying, Washington

62

"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."

"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

62

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

Ron White, American Comedian

62

"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."

"There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap."

Kevin James, American Comedian

Feelings, Feeling, World

62

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

"I like to reminisce with people I don't know."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

62

"If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively."

"If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively."

Mel Brooks, American Comedian

62

"The ultimate censorship is the flick of the dial."

"The ultimate censorship is the flick of the dial."

Tommy Smothers, American Comedian

62

"I'm very open to the up-and-comers."

"I'm very open to the up-and-comers."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

61

"I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart."

"I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart."

Stephen Colbert, American Comedian

Heart, Books, Fact

61

"Well, the common enemy in North America is the Western consumer. The consumer has driven oil up to $50 a barrel so we have to have these wars. I think it's incumbent upon us to."

"Well, the common enemy in North America is the Western consumer. The consumer has driven oil up to $50 a barrel so we have to have these wars. I think it's incumbent upon us to."

Dan Aykroyd, Canadian Comedian

America, Enemy, Oil

61

"Progress was all right. Only it went on too long."

"Progress was all right. Only it went on too long."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Progress, Right

61

"If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house."

"If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house."

Gilbert Gottfried, American Comedian

61

"Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned."

"Hell hath no fury like a liberal scorned."

Dick Gregory, American Comedian

61

"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue."

"It is a cliche that most cliches are true, but then like most cliches, that cliche is untrue."

Stephen Fry, British Comedian

61

"I like doing films and I wish that I could do more but I still have to audition. I don't get offered starring roles in movies even though I've written and starred in a movie."

"I like doing films and I wish that I could do more but I still have to audition. I don't get offered starring roles in movies even though I've written and starred in a movie."

Tim Meadows, American Comedian

61

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

61

"So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

Tommy Cooper, British Comedian

61

"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

"I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

61

"But my kids, my brothers' kids - they think about trying to top what we did."

"But my kids, my brothers' kids - they think about trying to top what we did."

Damon Wayans, American Comedian

Brother, Brothers, Kids, Trying

61

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Bed, Beds, Hate, Months

61

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'"

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Baseball, Liberty, Poor, Saying

61

"I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing."

"I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing."

Buddy Hackett, American Comedian

People, Arguments, Dancing

61

"Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit."

"Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit."

Josh Billings, American Comedian

Fool, Fools, Fun, Living, Profit

61

"It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy."

"It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy."

Tony Hancock, British Comedian

61

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

61

"One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing."

"One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

60

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant."

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

60

"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."

"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

60

"He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention."

"He wanted to be a lawyer, couldn't afford it, so he started dealing to go to college - good intention."

John Leguizamo, Colombian Comedian

College, Intention

60

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

"The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

60

"I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow."

"I didn't get where I am today by worryin' about how I'd feel tomorrow."

Ron White, American Comedian

Today, Tomorrow

60

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

60

"It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book."

"It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

60

"I don't talk like House, or walk like him. I certainly don't think like him. I don't like to think for more than 15 minutes at a stretch actually; I am a fragile flower."

"I don't talk like House, or walk like him. I certainly don't think like him. I don't like to think for more than 15 minutes at a stretch actually; I am a fragile flower."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

60

"I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much."

"I'm most proud of the longevity of my marriage, my kids, and my grandchildren. If you don't have that, you really don't have very much."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

Marriage, Kids, Longevity

60

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

60

"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."

"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

60

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"

"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"

Robin Williams, American Comedian

59

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

59

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

59

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed."

George Burns, American Comedian

59

"I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this."

"I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Marriage, Work, Life, Divorce

59

bottom of page