Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 4/66

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Quotes by Comedian

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

19

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Eye, Eyes, Man, Woman

18

"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."

"Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on."

Bob Newhart, American Comedian

18

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

18

"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

"I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

18

"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."

"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."

Patton Oswalt, American Comedian

Difference, Evil

18

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

"My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father."

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

Mom, Father, Thought, Voice

18

"My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry."

"My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Family, Work, Job, Poverty

18

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

"A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

18

"I'm really funny now."

"I'm really funny now."

Wanda Sykes, American Comedian

18

"Academics act like they are important, but when something is academic it is meaningless. People say, 'It's academic, now let's get work done.'"

"Academics act like they are important, but when something is academic it is meaningless. People say, 'It's academic, now let's get work done.'"

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

Work, People, Act, Now

18

"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."

"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

18

"Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one."

"Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Lesbian, Word

18

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

18

"Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap."

"Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap."

Don Rickles, American Comedian

Building, State, Trying

18

"I've always had a sense of humour, and I still do, so I just want to go on performing as long as I can. It's as simple as that."

"I've always had a sense of humour, and I still do, so I just want to go on performing as long as I can. It's as simple as that."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

18

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

18

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

18

"A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'"

"A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'"

Lewis Black, American Comedian

Father, People, Company, Sons

18

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

Ron White, American Comedian

18

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

18

"What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh."

"What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh."

Bruce Vilanch, American Comedian

18

"My dad gave me my first bike at 16. I soon fell off and was in a wheelchair for weeks. I haven't fallen since."

"My dad gave me my first bike at 16. I soon fell off and was in a wheelchair for weeks. I haven't fallen since."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

Father, Dad, First

18

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

"If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Woman, Women, World

18

"Greetings and death to our enemies."

"Greetings and death to our enemies."

Dan Aykroyd, Canadian Comedian

Death, Enemies, Greetings

18

"Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane."

"Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty... mine's putting in an express lane."

Ron White, American Comedian

Death, states, Trying

17

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."

"Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area."

Janeane Garofalo, American Comedian

17

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."

"The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."

Dennis Miller, American Comedian

17

"I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny."

"I don't think my judgment is that good. I don't know what is funny."

Jerry Stiller, American Comedian

Funny, Judgment

17

"One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough."

"One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough."

James Thurber, American Comedian

17

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Being, Day, Trying

17

"In England, we don't have any guns whatsoever."

"In England, we don't have any guns whatsoever."

Simon Pegg, British Comedian

17

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Being, First, Fool, Succeed

17

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

"I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

17

"I do play drums when I'm on tour."

"I do play drums when I'm on tour."

Norman Wisdom, English Comedian

17

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

"I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Blind, Day, Man, Reading

17

"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."

"It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it."

Sarah Silverman, American Comedian

Truth, Emotion, Meaning, Word

17

"This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air."

"This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

June, Now, Right, Will

17

"I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out."

"I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Men, Mother, Father, Man

17

"The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it."

"The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Goal, Future, Violence, World

17

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

17

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling."

Paula Poundstone, American Comedian

Time, Death, Feeling, Sin

17

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Art, Politics, Remedies, Trouble

17

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Father, Electricity, Prison, State

17

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

17

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."

"It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

Beauty, Deep, Skin

17

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Imitation, Television

17

"The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone."

"The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone."

Joe Rogan, American Comedian

Time, Acting, Theories

17

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

"Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?"

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Care, Posterity

17

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants."

A. Whitney Brown, American Comedian

Love, Animals, Hate, Plants

17

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