Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 4/64

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Quotes by Comedian

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

"I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

Bed, Beds, Hate, Months

11

"I had a blast, but I still wonder sometimes why they saw me as the perfect guy for this strange character."

"I had a blast, but I still wonder sometimes why they saw me as the perfect guy for this strange character."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Character, Wonder

11

"I started a big part of my career in Vegas."

"I started a big part of my career in Vegas."

Louie Anderson, American Comedian

11

"Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon."

"Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon."

Tim Allen, American Comedian

Women, End, Want

11

"Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is."

"Chaos in the midst of chaos isn't funny, but chaos in the midst of order is."

Steve Martin, American Comedian

Funny, Chaos, Order

11

"What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh."

"What makes me laugh? Richard Nixon always made me laugh."

Bruce Vilanch, American Comedian

11

"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world."

"It's easier to put on slippers than to carpet the whole world."

Al Franken, American Comedian

11

"I like the idea of taking a true classic written by a true genius and destroying it essentially! I like the idea of bringing it down to earth a bit - and even a bit lower than that."

"I like the idea of taking a true classic written by a true genius and destroying it essentially! I like the idea of bringing it down to earth a bit - and even a bit lower than that."

Randy Newman, American Comedian

Genius, Idea, Earth

11

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

11

"It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether."

"It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether."

Johnny Vegas, British Comedian

Love, Ladies, Question

11

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

Love, Wife, Woman, Years

11

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Power, Day, Events, Today

10

"One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough."

"One martini is all right. Two are too many, and three are not enough."

James Thurber, American Comedian

10

"Well, the common enemy in North America is the Western consumer. The consumer has driven oil up to $50 a barrel so we have to have these wars. I think it's incumbent upon us to."

"Well, the common enemy in North America is the Western consumer. The consumer has driven oil up to $50 a barrel so we have to have these wars. I think it's incumbent upon us to."

Dan Aykroyd, Canadian Comedian

America, Enemy, Oil

10

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

"When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

10

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

Jay Leno, American Comedian

Reason, Senators, State

10

"I just want to be myself."

"I just want to be myself."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

10

"I've upped my standards. Now, up yours."

"I've upped my standards. Now, up yours."

Pat Paulsen, American Comedian

10

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus."

"Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

10

"Earnestness is stupidity sent to college."

"Earnestness is stupidity sent to college."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

College, Stupidity

10

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

10

"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."

"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

10

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

10

"The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs."

"The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs."

Bill Maher, American Comedian

10

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Art, Politics, Remedies, Trouble

10

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."

"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison."

W. C. Fields, American Comedian

Father, Electricity, Prison, State

10

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

10

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

"People always come up to me and say that my smoking is bothering them... Well, it's killing me!"

Wendy Liebman, American Comedian

People, Killing, Smoking

10

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Imitation, Television

10

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

"You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Fish, Fishing, Want

10

"If you're in the White House, it's your house, and you can invite whatever friend you want."

"If you're in the White House, it's your house, and you can invite whatever friend you want."

Chevy Chase, American Comedian

Friendship, Friend, Want

10

"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects."

"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects."

Les Dawson, English Comedian

Time, Sex, Wife

10

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table."

Rodney Dangerfield, American Comedian

Age, Food, Life, Sex

10

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

10

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."

Lucille Ball, American Comedian

Love, First, World

10

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

"Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you."

Joan Rivers, American Comedian

9

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Eye, Eyes, Man, Woman

9

"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."

"I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness."

Jay London, American Comedian

Performance, Cause, Drugs, May

9

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

9

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

Day, News, World

9

"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."

"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Imagination, Life, Dream

9

"He sort of gets comic moments. Not a lot of directors do."

"He sort of gets comic moments. Not a lot of directors do."

Kevin McDonald, Canadian Comedian

Moment, Moments

9

"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."

"I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting."

Milton Berle, American Comedian

9

"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."

"When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

9

"One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing."

"One thing that's coming up a lot is: are you as grumpy as you appear from this Black Books thing."

Dylan Moran, Irish Comedian

9

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

"Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down."

Mitch Hedberg, American Comedian

Being, Day, Trying

9

"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."

"George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil."

Patton Oswalt, American Comedian

Difference, Evil

9

"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."

"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

9

"I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course."

"I praticed making faces in the mirror and it would drive my mother crazy. She used to scare me by saying that I was going to see the devil if I kept looking in the mirror. That fascinated me even more, of course."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Mother, Devil, Faces, Saying

9

"I remember saying in college that I would never do commercials."

"I remember saying in college that I would never do commercials."

Rob Corddry, American Comedian

College, Saying

9

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