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Quotes by Comedian
"If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?"
74
"I had a blast, but I still wonder sometimes why they saw me as the perfect guy for this strange character."
74
"If you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy and colorful and lively."
74
"Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable."
74
"My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings."
74
"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."
73
"Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese."
73
"It's both funny and sad which seem to me to be the two basic ingredients of good comedy."
73
"Progress was all right. Only it went on too long."
72
"I rewrote it and I took all your notes. Read it again, that kind of persistence paid off."
72
"You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine."
72
"A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them."
72
"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."
72
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
72
"I run six-to-eight miles a day, plus weights and aerobics in the lunch hour. I also lie a lot, which keeps me thin."
72
"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."
71
"We may have forgotten how to feel. Nobody is teaching us how to live happily ever after, as we've heard in fairy tales."
71
"I like doing films and I wish that I could do more but I still have to audition. I don't get offered starring roles in movies even though I've written and starred in a movie."
71
"Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist."
71
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
71
"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."
71
"I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?"
71
"Nobody likes insurance companies, especially health insurance companies."
71
"When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas."
71
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