Quotes by Comedian | Beyond Motive 4/69

top of page

Quotes by Comedian

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

27

"Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children."

"Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children."

Bill Cosby, American Comedian

Father, Being, Children, Nothing

27

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

27

"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."

"Then my uncle would give off the smell of freshly baked bread which I love."

Mark McKinney, Canadian Comedian

27

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

"I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for."

Jasper Carrott, English Comedian

27

"I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."

"I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy."

Laura Kightlinger, American Comedian

Drink, Drinking, Now

27

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

"To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving."

Jerry Seinfeld, American Comedian

27

"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."

"If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

27

"Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one."

"Some women can't say the word lesbian... even when their mouth is full of one."

Kate Clinton, American Comedian

Woman, Women, Lesbian, Word

27

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

"The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down."

Rita Rudner, American Comedian

27

"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."

"Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong."

Bob Hope, American Comedian

27

"Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap."

"Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap."

Don Rickles, American Comedian

Building, State, Trying

27

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

"If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?"

Steven Wright, American Comedian

27

"A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'"

"A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'"

Lewis Black, American Comedian

Father, People, Company, Sons

27

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

Man, Old, Woman

27

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

"My goal is just to become a better comedian."

Ron White, American Comedian

27

"First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle."

"First there was racism. Then liberals created institutional racism and coded racism. You can only hear it with a dog whistle."

Evan Sayet, American Comedian

First, Liberals, Racism

27

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

"My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger."

Billy Connolly, Scottish Comedian

27

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."

"Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely."

P. J. O'Rourke, American Comedian

27

"My dad gave me my first bike at 16. I soon fell off and was in a wheelchair for weeks. I haven't fallen since."

"My dad gave me my first bike at 16. I soon fell off and was in a wheelchair for weeks. I haven't fallen since."

Hugh Laurie, British Comedian

Father, Dad, First

27

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."

George Burns, American Comedian

26

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant."

"Violence is a tool of the ignorant."

Flip Wilson, American Comedian

26

"I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy."

"I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy."

Ben Stiller, American Comedian

Movies, Career, Comedy

26

"My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry."

"My family kinda hit the skids. We were experiencing poverty at that point. We all got a job, where the whole family had to work as security guards and janitors. And I just got angry."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Family, Work, Job, Poverty

26

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

"Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose."

Robin Williams, American Comedian

Fight, Nothing, Ugly

26

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."

"I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

26

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

"Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God."

Lenny Bruce, American Comedian

God, People, Church, Day

26

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."

Emo Philips, American Comedian

26

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

26

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

"I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

26

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."

Spike Milligan, Irish Comedian

26

"It makes you more open, it gives you perspective, having a child."

"It makes you more open, it gives you perspective, having a child."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

Open, Perspective

26

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

Fred Allen, American Comedian

Imitation, Television

26

"I had a blast, but I still wonder sometimes why they saw me as the perfect guy for this strange character."

"I had a blast, but I still wonder sometimes why they saw me as the perfect guy for this strange character."

Mike Myers, Canadian Comedian

Character, Wonder

26

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

"It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth."

George Burns, American Comedian

26

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."

Steven Wright, American Comedian

26

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

26

"Why can't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone."

"Why can't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone."

Jimmy Durante, American Comedian

26

"In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job."

"In a movie like this, the relationship between the two guys is crucial. It sinks or swims on how these two guys are together. I think we did a good job."

Eddie Murphy, American Comedian

26

"I loved the late Gilda Radner. I love Carol Burnett and Lily Tomlin."

"I loved the late Gilda Radner. I love Carol Burnett and Lily Tomlin."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

26

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

"While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake."

Henny Youngman, American Comedian

26

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me."

Garry Shandling, American Comedian

Friendship, Friends, Intimacy

26

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

"My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee."

Phyllis Diller, American Comedian

25

"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck."

"If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck."

Jeff Foxworthy, American Comedian

25

"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."

"Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves."

Bill Hicks, American Comedian

Imagination, Life, Dream

25

"Well, the common enemy in North America is the Western consumer. The consumer has driven oil up to $50 a barrel so we have to have these wars. I think it's incumbent upon us to."

"Well, the common enemy in North America is the Western consumer. The consumer has driven oil up to $50 a barrel so we have to have these wars. I think it's incumbent upon us to."

Dan Aykroyd, Canadian Comedian

America, Enemy, Oil

25

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."

"It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."

James Thurber, American Comedian

Answers, Questions

25

"I used to dress up and impersonate our next-door neighbor, Miss Cox. She wore rubber boots, a wool hat, and her nose always dripped."

"I used to dress up and impersonate our next-door neighbor, Miss Cox. She wore rubber boots, a wool hat, and her nose always dripped."

Tracey Ullman, British Comedian

25

"I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this."

"I'm so wrapped up in my work that it's often impossible to consider other things in my life. My marriage ended in divorce because of this, my relationship with Holly has suffered by this."

Jim Carrey, Canadian Comedian

Marriage, Work, Life, Divorce

25

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

"I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it."

Groucho Marx, American Comedian

25

bottom of page