"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."

"I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."

"I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there."

"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes.""

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."

"My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere."

"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."

"When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them."

"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."

"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""

"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."

"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."

"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."

"In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number."

"If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell."

"If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?"

"If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?"

"Why isn't the word 'phonetically spelled with an 'f?"

"I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

"I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'"

"The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?"

"You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time."

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

"Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?"

"I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them."

"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself."

"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."

"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?"

"If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny."

"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."