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"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?""
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"Canada has given us John Candy and Martin Short and Bill Shatner and Lord knows how many other wonderful performers."
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"Here in Canada, in the Western world, we are inside the walls. Outside the walls are the barbarians."
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"From that moment on, there will be an irreversible process to separate Quebec from Canada."
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"Canada is like an old cow. The West feeds it. Ontario and Quebec milk it. And you can well imagine what it's doing in the Maritimes."
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"I think it's a little early to tell what the economic impact will be. This year our cattle prices have been particularly high. The demand for beef has remained strong in this country, even though there was the single find in Canada earlier this year."
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"The Canadians have managed to live peacefully with their Indians. It is disgrace that the United States has not done the same."
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"Actually, in this instance we do have probably a better tracking system than was the instance in Canada. Because this is a dairy cow, they're all individually tagged."
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"Scotland is the Canada of England!"
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"South Africa is the most beautiful country I have been to. Canada is also hugely underrated."
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"I'm hoping that I'll be able to find a distributor to come into Canada with it, because I think it is a wild and crazy romp that really tells things like it is."
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"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
Humor
"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
Art
"You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor."
Creativity
"I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!"
Humor
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Paradox
"If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?"
Psychology
"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."
Comedy
"I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends."
Comedy
"Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?"
Curiosity
"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
Science
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