"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?"

Absurdity, Humor, Identity, Confusion

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"Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?"

Exlpore more Absurdity quotes

"We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic."

Dave Barry, American Journalist

Absurdity, Humor, Satire, Irony, Wit

"Great, numbskull. Just bloody great. You've already managed to piss off the Queen. What's next on your agenda, setting fire to Disneyland?"

Thea Harrison, American Author

Absurdity, Humor, Chaos, Authority, Rebellion

"Whattaya mean you ain't no criminal lawyer? You a lawyer right? And you in here, that means you also a criminal."

Kenneth Eade, American Author

Absurdity, Irony, Justice, Identity, Humor

"Dangerous as a lightning strike, as lethal as a pair of crisscrossing short swords, William whispered, "You're about to find out how your liver tastes, my friend."I have tasted it already, Zacharel said, his voice its usual monotone. The snowflakes began to fall in earnest, tiny at first, but growing in diameter. An arctic wind blustered around him. "It was a bit salty.How the hell was a guy supposed to respond to that?Apparently William didn't know, either, because he gaped at the angel. Then, "Maybe if you added a little pepper?O-kay. It was official. William had an answer for everything."

Gena Showalter, American Novelist

Absurdity, Humor, Violence, Dialogue

"Flowers are evil, because they live just to die for the love of other people. You don't believe me? Try it for yourself and see if you'll be good afterwards. Undeath is a way of life, for some things. That doesn't make it good or anything. Especially anything. Nothing makes anything anything. Because nothing is a serious matter, and anything just is."

Will Advise, Bulgarian Author

Absurdity, Philosophy, Irony, Death

"If we loved Steve Aylett, really loved him in the way that he deserves, a selfless love that genuinely wanted nothing save his happiness and comfort, we'd lobotomise him."

Alan Moore, British Writer

Absurdity, Love, Sacrifice, Extreme, Irony

"I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister."

Lois Greiman, American Author

Absurdity, Humor, Loss, Irony

"You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist."

Christopher Paolini, American Author

Absurdity, Humor, Magic, Imagination

"Joseph, you're out of clean towels. Lucia poked her head into the living room, the rest of her hidden behind the wall. Her red hair dripped water onto my wooden floors.'She's in the buff. Jenna guffawed. Gabriella rolled her eyes, beaming.I rose. 'Go back to the bathroom. I'll bring you a towel, I ordered Lucia. She disappeared down the hall.'You have naked angels running around your house, Jenna continued through her laughter. Gabby laughed louder."

Laura Kreitzer, American Author

Absurdity, Humor, Chaos, Embarrassment, Dialogue

"Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later."

R. Alan Woods, American Author

Absurdity, Humor, Stereotype, Sarcasm

Explore more quotes by Steven Wright

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

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"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

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"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

Gender

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

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"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

Now

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Exlpore more Absurdity quotes

"We will then hear from the founder of the Mayo Clinic . . . Dr. Ted Clinic."

"Great, numbskull. Just bloody great. You've already managed to piss off the Queen. What's next on your agenda, setting fire to Disneyland?"

"Whattaya mean you ain't no criminal lawyer? You a lawyer right? And you in here, that means you also a criminal."

"If we loved Steve Aylett, really loved him in the way that he deserves, a selfless love that genuinely wanted nothing save his happiness and comfort, we'd lobotomise him."

"I've been a little cranky since that house fell on my sister."

"You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. -Angela the Herbalist."

"Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later."

Explore more quotes by Steven Wright

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."

"If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you."

"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?"

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."

"Why isn't the word 'phonetically spelled with an 'f?"

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?"

"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."