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Steven Wright

"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

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"If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"

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Asa Don Brown

"Weekends are life's gift to those who hate their jobs."

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Asa Don Brown

"That deep, can-still-taste-her-in-my-mouth sleep."

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Asa Don Brown

"Rest fixed most things. Sleep was my sweet reward. I treated bedtime as both incentive and sacrament."

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Asa Don Brown

"You need to be outdoors. Away from here. You need a holiday."

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Asa Don Brown

"Shadow crawled across the floor to the yellow foam-rubber pad and climbed onto it, pulling the thin blanket over himself, and closed his eyes, and he held onto nothing, and he held onto dreams."

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Asa Don Brown

"Now for a good twelve-hour sleep, I told myself. Twelve solid hours. Let birds sing, let people go to work. Somewhere out there, a volcano might blow, Israeli commandos might decimate a Palestinian village. I couldn't stop it. I was going to sleep."

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Asa Don Brown

"Meanwhile the 3 a.m. drunks of the world would lay in their beds, trying in vain to sleep, and deserving that rest, if they could find it."

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Asa Don Brown

"Sleep is a daily reminder from God that we are not God. Once a day God sends us to bed like patients with a sickness. The sickness is a chronic tendency to think we are in control and that our work is indispensable. To cure us of this disease God turns us into helpless sacks of sand once a day."

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Asa Don Brown

"A beautiful nap this afternoon that put velvet between my vertebrae."

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Asa Don Brown

"Do whatever you're directed to do, and leave the rest of that technical stuff up to the director."

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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
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"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
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"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
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"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
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"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
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Steven Wright
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
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Steven Wright
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
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Steven Wright
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
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"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
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