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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
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"Salary arbitration is probably in place - was put in place then and probably is in place now - because I supported it."
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"Four years was enough of Harvard. I still had a lot to learn, but had been given the liberating notion that now I could teach myself."

"It just meant a lot because it's something I've always wanted to do. I've always wanted to be a Senior National Champ. I was Junior National Champ in 2002, so now to be the senior champ is great."
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"I don't know what psychotherapy does. I have been seeing the same person for 26 years now."

"Now listen lads, I'm not happy with our tackling. We're hurting them but they keep getting up."
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"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."


"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety."


"I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy."


"People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do."
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