"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

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"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."

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"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

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"I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends."

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Exlpore more Now quotes

"Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid."

"I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro."

"Now I have to have the biggest P.O. box in the entire post office to get all the manuscripts coming in."

"He said it was artificial respiration, but now I find I am to have his child."

"I'm writing a new book right now that is like an erotica manifesto."

"You will now have a starting place and a destination, and you will be able to determine what it will cost you to get there. You will be going someplace."

"Schools used to fund-raise for luxuries, like a trip to the water slides. Now, we fund-raise for things we have to have."

"Gaylord Perry and Willie McCovey should know each other like a book. They've been ex-teammates for years now."

"If you are not happy here and now, you never will be."

"Every now and then, I strike something that just goes click, you know, in my head. As Gertrude Stein used to say, it rings the bell, and I feel, this is great."

Explore more quotes by Steven Wright

"I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room."

"I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends."

"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'"

"George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk."

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