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"I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding."
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"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving."
Car
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
Friendship
"I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it."
Time
"The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing."
Now
"I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car."
Car
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
People
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
Power
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."
Press
"I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side."
Future
"I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose."
Purpose
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"God is not on the side of the big battalions, but on the side of those who shoot best."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Religions do a useful thing: they narrow God to the limits of man. Philosophy replies by doing a necessary thing: it elevates man to the plane of God."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I know nothing of God or the Devil. I have never seen a vision nor learned a secret that would damn or save my soul."
Author Name
Personal Development
"There's too much tendency to attribute to God the evils that man does of his own free will."
Author Name
Personal Development
"It is very lonely sometimes, trying to play God."
Author Name
Personal Development
"Conscience is God present in man."
Author Name
Personal Development
"God has given you one face, and you make yourself another."
Author Name
Personal Development
"I gave in, and admitted that God was God."
Author Name
Personal Development
"It is quite true, as some poets said, that the God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humor, creating him a reasonable being, yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture, and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance."
Author Name
Personal Development
"If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent Him."
Author Name
Personal Development
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